By Samantha Wassel of Between The Monkey Bars
If you can’t control that irrepressible urge we all feel every fucking second of every fucking day to check Facebook, then Facebook has just the thing for you. The newly-formed Facebook Freedom Group—created by the customer service team at Facebook headquarters—advertises itself as “a supportive Facebook community of Facebook users developed by Facebook to help Facebook addicts break away from unhealthy Facebooking behaviors. Also, Facebook, Facebook, Facebook.”
“We were getting a lot of calls from people saying that Facebook was taking over their lives,” said Liza D. Sceet, head of Facebook Customer Service, in a Facebook live video shared on the company’s official Facebook business page.
“Of course, we’re always looking for ways to improve and to support our users in whatever way we can. We have nothing but their best interests at heart, and we are dedicated to preserving the mental, emotional, and social image well-being of all Facebook users.
“In response to these concerns, we’ve created a private group called ‘Facebook Freedom.’ I’ve sent invites to everyone who currently has an active Facebook account. For any users who have temporarily deactivated their accounts, I sent out personal emails encouraging them to reactivate their accounts just so they can go check to make sure they got a personal invite. I mean, FOMO, you know?” Sceet went on to explain how the Facebook Freedom page works to help individuals slowly disengage from Facebook.
“Members seeking relief from Facebook addiction can come to the Facebook Freedom page for support, advice, and totally non-inflammatory political banter. Members will also have exclusive access to our new, highly-effective alert and notification system. You know, just the occasional message that’ll pop up on your phone, reminding you not to check Facebook. Kind of like a daily affirmation type thing.”
When we Facebook messaged Sceet for further information, we asked if she could provide some examples of what Facebook Freedom phone alerts might look like. Here is what she gave us in response:
“Sharon just had a baby and it’s ugly as fuck, but you definitely don’t need to go check that bitch’s page to make yourself feel better about the fact that she was prom queen and you weren’t even asked to prom.”
“Another adorable otter meme? You don’t need that shit. Who likes smiling, happiness, and unadulterated joy anyway?”
“Your ex-boyfriend just commented on that new selfie profile pic you posted. Resist the urge to go see what he said. Also, I wonder if he’s fat now.”
“OMFG do you see the crazy shit that shady Wish company is selling? No, you don’t. AND YOU DON’T NEED TO. But for real, it’s fucking ridiculous. LOLOLOLOL.”
“DON’T LOOK NOW BUT BEYONCÉ JUST ACCEPTED YOUR FRIEND REQUEST. NO, SERIOUSLY, DON’T LOOK.”
Sceet said that the Facebook Freedom phone alerts will be accompanied by both a super-cutesy “badoop” sound and a 5-second-long vibration. Also, your phone will start spinning and flashing like a disco ball on acid.
“We’re just trying to help,” she told us. “We don’t want people losing themselves in Facebook. That was never our intention.
“Also,” she added. “I encourage everyone to make sure their Facebook app is up-to-date. Like right now. You better go check. We can’t help you break free of Facebook if you’re using an outdated version of our app.”
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is an Army Wife and SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettle-belling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars.