Whoever said “bigger is better” obviously didn’t know the joy of fun-sized candy bars. Halloween is coming, people, which means spooky vibes, slutty costumes, and ALL THE TINY CANDY!
Tiny candy has big heart. It doesn’t judge you when it sees your big head peering into the candy bag, shuffling about all the suckers and fruit snacks to get into that true chocolate deliciousness. Tiny candy is like therapy that fits in your pocket. Tiny candy tastes best when bargained from strangers in the dead of night. Tiny candy is most delicious when stolen.
Halloween is such an amazing time of year, but a lot of the hype is because of the FREE CANDY. When it comes to candy bars, most of the year I’m a king size bitch. However, once spooky season hits, I’d much rather gorge myself with fistful after fistful of delicious mini bars. It’s tradition.
In recent years they have started to sell smaller sized candy bars year-round in very boring packaging. However, these don’t have the same pull as the once-a-year special of Halloween treats. It’s a seasonal thing, and really that candy just doesn’t taste the same unless it was born of child labor and parental thievery.
Here’s What The Funny People Of Twitter Had To Say About Halloween Candy!
1. The Halloween Candy binge is a family sport
Just caught my kids eating our Halloween candy. An hour later my husband caught my kids and me eating our Halloween candy.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 19, 2019
Me: I just put the kids to bed so it looks like it’s just the two of us. *bites lower lip*
Bag of Halloween candy:
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 2, 2018
3. It’s called method acting sweetie, pass me another lil’ Snickers
The costume I'm wearing of a person eating all of the Halloween candy on the porch is so good it's making the neighborhood kids cry.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) November 1, 2017
4. I’m as shocked as you are – outrageous!
Kid: Mom, look at all the candy wrappers in the trash can. Do you think someone broke in and ate the candy you bought for Halloween?
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) October 18, 2018
5. See you after bedtime, you fetching little things
6. It’s the most wonderful tiiiiime of the year
7. Alpha move, it’s just nature
I don’t secretly steal my kids’ Halloween candy. I eat it right in front of them while maintaining eye contact. Total power move.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 2, 2017
8. Someone make a Hallmark card for this, the holiest of days
Me: My favorite holiday is November 1.
Wife: All Saints' Day?
Me: All the Halloween Candy is on Sale Day.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2016
9. Haha, practice, amirite?
10. They can have the wine gums and the lollipops
One of the hardest decisions you'll make as an adult is deciding which box of halloween candy to sacrifice to the trick-or-treaters.
— Ｍｏｍｚｉｌｌａ (@milliondollrfam) October 20, 2019
11. Watch out, I’m packing
It’s that time of year when all my pockets are filled with fun size Halloween candy, like a dietary Sherpa.
— ☘️Sooz (@CruisinSoozan) October 16, 2019
12. It’s a very authentic lewk
Other moms: “we all have matching Halloween costumes with a cute theme we found on Pinterest.”
Me: “cool. My kid is going as a Pigeon Unicorn and I’m going as a mom that’s going to eat all her candy when she passes out.”
— Amanda Marcotte | Mediocre Mommy (@storiesofamom) October 20, 2019
13. Have fun picking through the bags of Dots when I’m done, bish
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) August 26, 2017
Halloween makes me so thankful to be a mom because two of my kids are allergic to peanuts so I get like half their candy.
— Sara Buckley (@nottheworstmom) October 31, 2018
15. If you pace yourself you can get, like, 2 weeks of good behavior
Halloween candy, or as I like to call it, a magical bag of bribery.
— Stacey Wood (@Macandmomjeans) October 31, 2018
16. SELL IT, MAN!
Husband: Oh no! A mouse got in the Halloween candy!
Me, unwrapping Snickers: Um, put more emphasis on "a mouse". We need to be convincing.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) November 2, 2016
17. I’m a conscientious parent
You call it "eating my kid's Halloween candy" I call it "protecting him from diabetes."
— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) November 1, 2016
So here’s to Halloween Candy!
Thank you for being there – in our hearts, in our lives, and stashed in our purses.
And parents, never forget: You DESERVE that candy you’re totally going to steal from your kids. Y’all deserve nice things too.
Make sure to share this list with a friend who could use a treat! Lord knows they aren’t gonna get any of this precious, tiny pocket-candy.