E-commerce Company Wish Breaks Into School Supply Market

By Mandi Em

Everyone put down your penis-shaped fishing lures and listen up! E-commerce giant Wish has decided that they’re going to continue taking things too far by breaking into the school supply market.

This is great news for people who don’t want to have uncomfortable conversations with their kids about things like sex. Wish is renowned for offering such goods as the crack pipe! the dick harness! and ancient-haunted-looking-elephant-statue-that-vaguely-looks-like-a-dildo-but-is-it-a-dildo?-I-guess-you’ll-just-have-to-put-it-up-there-and-find-out!

As part of their new school supply line, you’ll be able to find things like vagina erasers, kevlar backpacks with studded dick zipper-pulls, and pencil sharpeners that give your pencils polka dot stamp-herpes after you sharpen them.

You’ll also be able to find other such wares as titty-shaped dodge balls, water bottles that feature anime descriptions of sesame street characters as Victorian serial killers, and lunch bags that feature a holograph of Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch. All of that and more, and each item retails for under $7 USD!

Barry McNamara, spokesperson for Wish, said, “Ultimately, we just want to start conversations. I don’t know shit about kids, but I’ve heard they talk a lot, so why not give them something to talk about?” He paused for a moment to stroke his emotional support Gerbil that was wearing a teensy-weensy copy of the iconic Jennifer Lopez green dress (another offering from Wish, of course).

“And if you don’t to have those conversations with them, just direct them to this trapper-keeper we started selling for this very purpose.” He lifted up a binder that features a picture of 2 Minions, one dressed as a bird and one dressed as a bee, high-fiving in a field of Georgia O’Keeffe-inspired flowers.


About the Author

Mandi Em is the content creator for Healthy Living for Hot Messes, a healthy-ish humor and adulting blog. Mandi can usually be found whining about her kids on Twitter and posting pictures of her food and nonsense on Instagram, and Facebook.