By Chase McFadden of Some Species Eat Their Young
GRAND RAPIDS, MI — Citing his existence on Earth, as well as that of three younger siblings, a local tween has concluded that his parents have engaged in sexual intercourse at some point during their relationship, most likely in the last week while he was in the house.
“We just finished a human reproduction unit in health class, and it really cleared some things up for me,” explained the visibly-shaken young man of his newfound understanding of copulation. “I wasn’t exactly sure where babies come from, but I know now, and it’s definitely not from some dumb bird dropping them off on the doorstep. Although our teacher, Mr. Weaver, said that a couple of us might have been conceived in a position called ‘The Stork,’ whatever that means.”
The 12-year-old said that the information likely explains his parents’ peculiar behavior over the years and totally grosses him out.
“One night when I was little, I came upstairs because I heard this thumping and moaning sound coming from the ceiling,” he recalled. “You know, I’m a little kid, so I’m thinking ghost or monster or something like that. So I head into my parents’ bedroom, flip on the lights to alert them, and they immediately yank the blankets up over themselves. They seem really freaked out, so I assume they must have heard the noises, too. And my dad says he is lying on my mom to protect her, which I thought was pretty noble at the time.
“Then he bought me off with a couple of Oreos and a glass of milk and told me to go back to bed. Protecting her. What a creep.”
The disgusted tween said since that fateful night, he has occasionally found his mom and dad’s bedroom door locked.
“Now I wonder: every time they disappear and shut the door, are they getting it on? I’ve even seen them go in there during the daytime! Talk about horndogs.
“And they’re so old!” he added.
The preteen fears that his parents’ propensity for procreating is common knowledge.
“I mean, we fielded our own relay team at a swim meet: four kids from one family!” explained the exasperated young man, rolling his eyes. “I bet the other swimmers were all thinking, ‘Wow! Their parents must hump a lot!’ How embarrassing.”
When asked to comment on the 12-year-old’s allegations of frequent dalliances between her and his father, his mother stated, “Bow-chicka-wow-wow…”
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