Ah, fall. The season for pumpkin spice lattes, cozy sweaters, and snuggling up in front of a crackling fire. The time of year we get to both give thanks AND legitimately scare the shit out of people. It’s Thanksgiving and Hallowe’en. It’s Hallmark Channel Holiday movie releases and horror movie premieres. Because as we all know, life is about BALANCE.

And in the spirit of balance, Hurts Donut Company is offering a special, limited time opportunity to show the people in your life just how much you love them (or not), with what may be the most perfect partnership of sweet and scary. EVER.

Doughnuts AND clowns.

So you can both give thanks and be the dark lord of terror causing untold trauma and everlasting nightmares to the ones you claim to love.

The Donut company made the announcement on their Tempe, Arizona Facebook page last week:

Wanna scare the sh…
Shprinkles out of your friends!?

SCARY CLOWN DELIVERIES AVAILABLE STARTING NEXT WEEK *** Call our Scary Clown Hotline @ 480-765-2101 to get on our schedule, spots are limited!

Fair warning: Those friends you want to scare the “shprinkles” out of? May not be friends much longer…

The clown bears a striking resemblance to Pennywise the Dancing Clown, of Stephen King’s famous novel (and movie) IT. Yes, the same red-balloon-toting jokester who can be credited with ruining clowns for the current generation and turning them into fodder for all of your horrifying night terrors.

If you still think this is a good idea (IT IS NOT) and want to win a dozen doughnuts and a free scary clown delivery (so you can spread some sociopathic love), just like, comment, or share their Facebook post.

Hurts Donut has 20 locations nationwide, and while their other locations have yet to advertise this *delightful* service, they are expected to start offering it October 1. The cost for doughnuts and clown delivery is $35. A small price to pay to make a lasting impression.

I know, there are those among us who love clowns. Ronald McDonald, Krusty The Clown, Bobo or Bongo or Bozo or whatever. I’ll be honest. I am NOT one of those people.

I can pinpoint the exact moment I became terrified of clowns. I was 9 years old. My babysitter, in all her worldly 15-year-old wisdom, decided it would be a great idea to watch Poltergeist. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t. And while the movie in and of itself was terrifying, with body-snatching trees and child-sucking televisions, it was Robbie’s clown that did me in. It wasn’t enough that it looked creepy as hell (and OMG who gives a kid a toy like this?) but it tried to strangle him. And that, folks, was it.

For those of you too young to know of whom I speak, a little visual:

https://giphy.com/gifs/poltergeist-RJPgWH4AweWPK

Clown phobia is real. It even has its own label – Coulrophobia. Which, interestingly enough, was coined in the 1980s (BECAUSE POLTERGEIST!). The Oxford Dictionary defines it as:

Extreme or irrational fear of clowns.

I would beg to disagree with the whole “irrational” part.

Nonetheless, there are those of you out there who will think this is a wildly wonderful idea and are likely dialing up your local Hurts Donut at this very moment. Just based on the Facebook post comments alone? It appears that there are a lot of you who would derive great pleasure in scaring the bejesus out of your family and friends. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Yummy and it would be a funny way to get donuts and watch my friends pee their pants

I’d love to scare my whole team at work 😂

I need this for my sister!!! Omg it would be great!

Oh I’d love to deliver this to my boss’ 

Would I be like the worst mom in the history of moms if I sent you to my kids school for Birthday Donuts 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Or that going to far 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yes, Janet, you would be the worst mom in the history of moms.

In all seriousness, if, in fact, you can be serious on a post about clowns, this is all meant in good fun (in a totally horrifying, creepy way). And if clowns really aren’t your thing? You can always wait until Valentine’s Day when Hurts Donut offers a Cupid delivery service, complete with dancing, hugging, and rose petals.