By Topher Paul
Hey all you tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy nuts out there, have we got a story for you! We sent one of our best undercover journalists, Richard Wetphart, to infiltrate the biggest toilet distribution company in the Midwest, and what he uncovered will literally make you crap your pants, which ironically, is their master plan.
While posing as janitor, Wetphart discovered a document clogging one of the toilets in the executive bathrooms. Apparently the scheme had gone sideways, leaving all the suits without a square to spare, resulting in them having to use recycled paper to clean their undersides. Anyway, the document was an internal memo detailing the plan to capitalize on COVID-19. Once our operative found the missive, he immediately keystered…keistered? Well, at any extent, he shoved it up his own ass for fear he would be searched on his way out of the building (he was not).
The following is a transcript of that memo:
Date: January 2, 2020
To: Bigwigs ONLY (definitely NOT Kevin!)
Subject: Shit’s about to get real
I’m writing to inform you all of a developing story out of China. The World Health Organization has alerted everyone to a mysterious medical situation that is threatening to spread like wildfire. Now we all know that we missed the boat on the Montezuma’s Revenge event in ’98, and we’ve seen a steady decline since the release of Super Size Me, so we must act now! You know what they say, “never let a good crisis go to waste.”
We have no idea what sort of symptoms infected people may see (please, PLEASE be uncontrollable diarrhea!), but we do know one thing for sure: Big Daddy Don is going to screw this one up royally, which is good news for us. By the time this thing hits the US, there will be wave of hysteria that will sweep the nation. And like any good bout of the squirts, we will see wave after wave after wave.
Bunkers will be built and pantries will be stocked. Do you remember how 3M scored big on Y2K? This is our time, baby! We have a unique opportunity to be the premier hoarded good. What scares people more than running out of food? That’s right, having to wipe their ass with their hand. And who will be there for them while they’re blowing a colon? It sure as hell won’t be duct tape!
So what I need from all of you are ideas. How do we get this thing rolling? I’ve already been in contact with BeansCo. and am reaching out to all the frozen burrito companies from LaMierda to NumeroDos. The goal is to get people doing the Tuscaloosa Two-Step as much as possible to heighten fear of being without what will come to be known as “white gold.”
Please develop an action plan, and have it on my desk by tomorrow. This may be our best opportunity, and I for one, refuse to let it go to waste.
As you can see, the conspiracy runs deep within multiple high-profile industries, and as we’ve seen, they were wildly successful. Shortly after this memo was distributed, the masses flocked to the store to ensure they wouldn’t be the one playing Mr. Brownfingers when shit went down. Within weeks, you could spot only tumbleweeds rolling down the paper product aisles. One could say, we were up shit’s creek without a paddle.
While Loggins plan was a success, even he did not see how out of control the situation would become. Before he knew it, his own company was unable to procure his illustrious “white gold,” and in a twist of fate, it was his own ass that was wiped using the recycled memo that would eventually become his downfall.
So there you have it. You may not be able to maintain a dingle berry free rear-end, but when the cropdust settles, you have an arch villain to flush out.
About the Author
Topher Paul is not now, nor has he ever been a mom. However, he does empathize with the struggles of being a mom without trying to take away their empowerment…my God, it’s SOOOO tough being a man while having to navigate the landscape of this PC world…ok forget the above. How about: He likes people to laugh with (not at) him. So, laugh. Please? You can find his lack of social media presence on Twitter @topherpaul11