By Samantha Wassel of Between The Monkey Bars
The next presidential election is only a little more than a year away, and hopeful candidates are hard at work campaigning to earn a spot on the official ballot. As current president Donald Trump seeks to win a reelection bid, we thought it might be fun to ponder potential candidates that would do a better job leading our nation than he has thus far.
Below, you will find a list of potential presidential candidates that we believe would be better than Donald Trump, along with their respective relevant qualifications:
Donald Duck: He’s another white Donald with an anger problem who often spews incoherent gibberish and has been known to consort with anthropomorphic rats. BUT, he wears a cool hat.
A neglected port-a-potty: It’s probably less full of shit than Trump.
A crazy cat lady: She may be a fellow pussy grabber, but unlike Trump, she’s got the balls to own it. No “deny, deny, deny” here, folks—just a lot of ass-licking (the cats, not their owner). And that’d be nothing new to the White House, since Trump once publicly claimed that other politicians “kiss [his] ass.”
A T-Rex: It shares similar hand-to-body proportions with Trump, but it’s already extinct, so we wouldn’t be subjected to the meaningless jargon escaping its overly-large mouth.
A yeast infection: It treats women better than Trump does.
One of the plastic moles from a whack-a-mole game: Like Trump, it’s a fake, annoying, rodent-like creature that relentlessly pops its obnoxious, cartoonish face out of the dirt to piss you off. But, hey, at least it’s perfectly legal to smack it with a mallet.
A thesaurus: It’s a very, very good book for very bad, very not good public speakers. The White House is currently in desperate need of a vocabulary expansion.
Anyone who drives below the speed limit in the passing lane: This person likely pisses off fewer people than Trump does.
Kanye West: He’s both less misogynistic and less arrogant than Trump.
The infamous water bottle Trump awkwardly drank from during one of his speeches: I mean, at least you can put a lid on it. Also, it’s probably better for the environment.
A plastic Easter egg: Like Trump, it’s a brightly colored, empty shell, but with the perk that you can actually hide it from your children.
A bad wig on top of an orange balloon: Okay, so maybe this one is on par with what’s currently in the White House, but the balloon may actually be filled with less hot air.
One of Hillary Clinton’s personal emails—printed out, wadded up, and pissed on by a musk ox: It would be better. It just would be.
Please note that as of now, none of the potential candidates listed above have received an official presidential nomination. However, there is still plenty of time before the 2020 presidential primaries, so don’t count them out just yet.
Also, remember to keep your voter registration up-to-date so you can do your part to truly make America great again by saving it from the egomaniacal human Cheeto currently running it.
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About the Author
Samantha Wassel is an Army Wife and SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettlebelling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars