By Samantha Wassel of Between The Monkey Bars
If you’re looking for that perfect, just-turned-immigrants-away-at-the-coast, summer beachy glow, look no further.
President Donald Trump recently announced that he’s teamed up with popular makeup company Sephorror to create an entire line of bronzers and self-tanners centered around none other than—you guessed it—himself.
A Sephorror rep tells us that the shades offered will range from “ignorantly unsubtle” to “in-your-face obnoxious,” much like President Trump’s tweeting history. All of the colors are described as having “that uniquely jarring, tangerine base apparent in Trump’s own complexion.”
You can find a complete list of the various hues—collectively called Trump Tanners™—included in the new line below:
- Bad Hombre Beige
- Unnatural Chicken McNugget
- Grandma’s Ugly Floral Sofa
- Luscious Lorax Anus
- That Time in Third Grade When Billy Threw Up on the Bus
- Egomaniacal Moldy Mango
- RX Bottle Blush
- Orange is the New Ignorant
- Unseemly Circus Peanut
- Audacious Austin PB Cheese Crackers
- Safety Vest Va Va Voom
- Candy Corn Crush
- Not-So-Nice Pumpkin Spice
- Sexist Saint James Place
- Her Emails
Rumors are circulating that the Trump administration has also reached out to several popular hair care companies with the hope of producing a line of Trump-inspired hair products. However, an inside source from the White House tells us that the FDA has repeatedly denied the president’s request to include formaldehyde in mass-produced consumer goods.
Trump Tanners™ are set to hit shelves in October 2020, just in time for both Halloween and the next presidential election.
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is an Army Wife and SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettlebelling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars (www.betweenthemonkeybars.com).