Listen, kiddo, I know you have been looking forward to Christmas all year. You even aced your Zoom classes just so Santa would bring you a unicorn. But due to Covid-19, it’s too risky for Santa to drop down 2.8 billion chimneys tonight.
You see, in the North Pole, some of the more—ah, shall we say—spirited of the elves have been spreading a little more than holiday cheer. A few have been, ahem, sharing a few too many candy canes and rounds of spiked eggnog. You know how those elves are such lushes. They can’t test for Covid since it takes five sled-dog weeks to get anything to the North Pole, and our couriers can’t get through Canada, as they have permanently outlawed all Americans.
Yes, Santa’s magical powers enable him to creep on every child in one night, but we just don’t know if Santa has been washing his hands for the full A-B-C song. Let’s hope he doesn’t come down with Coronavirus, since he probably has type-2 diabetes and emphysema. You know how he loves his pipe.
Even if Santa does rally the reindeer tonight, they will have to fly to Hawaii for the first gift drop. Why? Because Santa deals to the left first, just like when we play Uno. With Hawaii’s strict quarantine rules, they will layover for two more weeks, and since they’ll be on island time, that will likely stretch into two months.
By the time Saint Nick gets around to the mainland, it may be Easter, and if the magic wears off, Dasher and Prancer will go kerplunk into the Pacific. Then they’ll have to be rescued by some fishermen and go viral on YouTube, and all the presents will be eaten by barracudas. The only gift you’ll be getting is a pelican, and it probably won’t arrive until after Labor Day.
Operation Warp Santa could end up looking more like Operation the Game, with organs everywhere and scary beeping sounds. You see now why we all have to make sacrifices to help flatten the curve.
But sweetie, don’t listen to me. Knowing Santa’s intel is way above my pay grade. I just don’t want you to be disappointed if he isn’t able to bring you a unicorn tonight. But if it makes you feel any better, studies show that people who own unicorns are 60 to 80 percent more likely to contract Covid.
And look, Mommy and Daddy got you this unicorn panettone instead! Great, right? Okay, so it’s not a real unicorn, but it does have Lucky Charms baked into it, and it’s Italian! So that means it’s fancy.
Hmm, maybe it just needs some butter melted on top… no, ew… Well, it looked good on Instagram…
Okay, forget the panettone. Christmas is about spending quality time together as a family. Why yes, now that you point it out, that is what we’ve been doing for the last ten months.
Listen, I know you were really looking forward to that unicorn, which is why we got this adorable, super not creepy Elf on the Shelf. He is going to watch you all day long to make sure you’re not sneaking candy canes off the tree. Let’s name him Lucky. That’s right, he wakes up in the middle of the night and comes alive while you are asleep and does who knows what! Cool, right?
Okay, time for nighty night! Should we set out milk and cookies? Maybe just some bourbon, for Lucky.
Wait, why can’t you sleep now? No, Lucky can’t give you Covid. He’s been quarantining in a packing crate for the last six months. What, you don’t trust me? I’m your parent, you know I would never lie to you.
Go to sleep, sweetie, and Merry Christmas. Tomorrow we’ll see if Lucky drank all the bourbon.
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About the Author
Summer Koester has spent the first forty of her years listening and now she just can’t shut up! She lives in Juneau, Alaska with her two young children and teaches Spanish to middle schoolers over Zoom. You can find her on summerkoester.com and https://twitter.com/summerisferal.