“Go-Pros” for dicks are a thing that exist, because men literally are never not impressed with their penises.
The new peen tech, the “Cock Cam,” (because of course) from UK company Julz Limited, works as a cock ring/”Go-Pro” hybrid. Made with stretchy, tight (is this sounding like a smut novel to anyone else? No?) silicone material, the headgear looks like something you’d wear to explore dark caves and caverns. Basically, the cock cam is for going vaginal spelunking. I hear Poon-Jabby is warm and delightful year-round.
The Cock Cam’s purpose is to “capture your climax.” Good luck faking that orgasm so that you can get back to death-scrolling Netflix, ladies. But that’s not all this DONGle does. It has mofucken Wi-Fi, and the ability to share sexy time footage in HD. Oh, goodie…
Other features of this thingamabob include:
- Amazing night vision with 6 lightless night vision infrared lights
- View & store footage via mobile device
- Compatible with our secure mobile app
- Stretchy yet tight silicone cock ring, keeping you harder for longer
- HD video MP4 format, H.264 advanced encoding
- Ultra-small Camera
- Wi-Fi wireless connection
- Share footage with your partner across the globe
And all for $159.95.
The schlongcorder has the ability to record up to 90 minutes of 1080p, H.264 video in MP4 format, has a rechargeable lithium battery, and features night vision.
“Wait, wait, wait, go back to that whole Wi-Fi thing. That sounds like a whole lot of nope.” If you’re concerned about becoming the next Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, or Pam Anderson with leaked footage of your screw tunnel, Julz assures that, “All footage is stored directly to your mobile device. Your footage is never stored on the App, the App is used to operate the camera and view the footage only. Check your mobile device’s security policies, data is not stored on the app or on any cloud storage.” There really is an app for everything.
“When filming for long periods of time the camera runs warm,” Julz says, and I’m over here all…ya think? But goes on to assure us that “the product is safe to use.”
Adding to the long list of features, the Cock Cam can also Face-Time via live streaming. Gone are the days of a simple dick pic; .now we’re gonna get unsolicited Face-Times (more like Dick-Times, mwehehehe *high-fives myself*).
Curious to see how this all works? Check out this NSFW video of a dude base-jumping with the Cock Cam attached to his strap-on dildo. You seriously can’t make this shit up.
In case you’re not in the position to watch the video, allow me to paint you a picture: A base jumper engages in some very “Matthew McConaughey in his Lincoln Continental” dialogue before jumping off of a cliff. Some National Geographic-level scenery is captured as a dildo flaps violently up and down in the wind for a solid minute before the jumper lands. It’s rather poetic, really.
Before I wrap this up, I have to go over a few things that made me cackle on their website. First, a couple of reviews:
And some questions in their FAQs that make me wonder if the people asking them are truly referring to the Cock Cam:
“Nothing happens after long pressing the confirmation button.” Seems to be an issue lots of men have. There, there, buddy. Practice makes perfect.
“What can I do when the camera crashes or doesn’t boot up?” Sounds like a personal problem to me, sir. Maybe you could treat it like an old Nintendo – blow on it and then wiggle it from side to side until it starts working?
So, what do you think? Is this gizmo something you’d introduce to your slippery Little Mermaid?