I remember when I was a just a wee spring chicken, ready to paint my face and go terrorize the town with my drunken, poorly-thought-out tomfoolery. Oh, how the pages have turned!
Many of us wasted our youth just counting the days until we’d be grown, free of rules and limits! Nothing to hold us back from living our best carefree lives. Party all night? Oh, hell yes. And all day, too — that’s what’s on the menu when you grow up… right? Right??
It’s no wonder the grownups around me then cackled, much as I do now with my own teenager. The bitch of it is that partying as a grownup looks nothing like it does in the mind of a youngster. It’s less wild fun and more resisting the urge to lecture the younger girls at the bar about wearing proper coats.
Here are some painfully relatable tweets about the many ways that your concept of partying changes as you get older.
1. Your neuroses will be your “plus one”
I came, I saw, I remembered I have social anxiety and snuck out before anyone could notice me.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) July 1, 2016
2. Your idea of a good time dramatically shifts
My wife is crocheting while I play Word with Friends if you all want to know where da party at
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 9, 2019
3. You can’t handle the sauce like you used to
Me: How much did you drink last night?
Scott: Couple beers.
*walk in daughter's room*
Kate: Mommy, daddy fed the cat pizza last night.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) August 18, 2017
4. 80% of the invites you get are celebrating folks under 4 feet tall
You should fight for your right to party unless it's to a kids' birthday party, then you should fight for your right to make your husband go
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) November 12, 2015
5. A practical celebration is still a celebration
20s: Friday night! Let's party!
40s: Ooh, they're opening the new laundry room in my building tonight.
— Zoe vs. the Universe (@zoevsuniverse) July 28, 2017
6. You wish for things that have REAL value
A party bus for people over 35 with built in bunk beds so you can all take naps on your way to the bar.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) November 21, 2018
7. Going with the flow is great, but being informed is even better
I knew I was too old to be at the party when I asked what kind of beer was in the keg.
— Hashtag MomFail (@hashtagmomfail) July 8, 2018
8. You’re old enough to recognize party propaganda when you see it
You know what's fun about going to the club when you're 30?
— not the WORST mom 🤷🏽♀️ (@nottheworstmom) October 28, 2016
9. You can appreciate that honesty is the best policy
Sorry I'm late, just didn't want to come, so I was trying to limit the amount of time I'd be here. I'll leave early, too. Anyway what's up?
— keith (@tchrquotes) October 3, 2015
10. You recognize the importance of keeping your eye on the prize
I've reached that level of old where, as I'm getting dressed to go out, I'm already thinking how I can't wait to get back in my pj's when I get home.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) November 23, 2018
11. You can drink responsibly, but you also might choose not to
If you're drunk enough, ANYTHING can be a piñata.
— SASSYPIEHOLE (@sassypiehole) March 20, 2018
12. The word “party” itself is relative, and definitely correlated with age
A “party” in your 20s:
Cute dress, heels, 4 different bars, maybe a club, not home until 5am
A “party” in your 30s:
Jeans, comfy shirt, one place that serves food and drinks that aren’t too expensive, home by 10pm
— not the WORST mom 🤷🏽♀️ (@nottheworstmom) January 20, 2019
13. You can have a “night out” as a parent, but your mileage may vary
Have kids so you can pay a 16yo $40 to play on her phone while your kids sleep & you go to a movie & yawn excessively.
— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) June 13, 2017
14. You rehash the classics
Once you are over 30, hanging out with friends is just telling stories from your your younger days and wondering, when did we get so old?
— Why all these kids? (@whyallthesekids) July 3, 2016
15. Your wingman duties have shifted considerably
(Me on a girl’s weekend away)
*up at 6:30am, showered and dressed*
“I’ve never done this before since having kids so I’m a little out of my element. Does anyone need help going potty or picking out their shorts?”
— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) July 20, 2018
16. You’re old enough to see the value in making love, not war
Some people drunk fight. I drunk compliment.
One bottle of wine in, and I am sending love letters to everyone I know.
— Heather M. Jones (@hmjoneswriter) March 3, 2019
Long story short, being a grown up is super lit… If by lit, we mean “burnt the fuck out” and ready for a reasonable bedtime and a sensible pair of ergonomically supportive slippers.