I received my first tattoo on my 18th birthday. I went to the DMV, traded my driver’s permit for a state-issued ID card, and headed to a tattoo parlor in a strip mall – one that did piercings on the side and was nestled near a Chinese restaurant and Dunkin’ […]
We all have that ONE mom friend. In my circles, I AM that one mom friend. The one who needs a Parent Advisory sticker slapped across my smut mouth. The one who needs a bleeper at the ready for park play dates. I fuuuuuuccccckking haaaaaaaate play dates. Your sweary […]
By Catherine Naja of Choking On Applesauce This will be a big year for area 12-year-old Dustin Landerson, whose parents finally decided he is ready to enroll in public kindergarten. After participating in — and, by his mother’s estimation, “rocking” — nearly a decade’s worth of preschool, Landerson will make the leap […]
By Michelle Poston Combs of Rubber Shoes In Hell The Snooterson School District is considering a request by a local group of concerned mothers to separate students by weight. Alyce Bryson, mother of two Helmsley Elementary students, said, “It’s not fair to our children to expect them to be bombarded […]
Experts are warning parents to be on the lookout for the latest dangerous teen trend known as Putting a Whole Goddamn Orange In Your Mouth. “Basically, teens are challenging each other to put a whole goddamn orange in their mouths,” said Dr. Carol Black, an emergency room physician who […]
In a recent study, it was discovered sales for child leashes have gone down drastically while sales for electric shock collars have skyrocketed. “What child wants a silly Mickey Mouse leash strapped to their back? Kids are way more stylish these days,” says Diana, mother of 4-year-old twin daughters. “My […]
By Jean Lomas-Hamilton of this slow process Local father Chad Thompson was awarded a goddamn medal yesterday for his widely-celebrated achievements in doing regular crap that should be the basic expectation for any parent. “I honestly don’t know how this happened,” gushed Thompson at a lavish award ceremony attended by the […]
By Morgan Herbert of Surviving Artfully For years, I swore I didn’t want kids. My dogs were enough; my job was enough. Naturally, my husband and I (mostly I) got a lot of grief from relatives, especially the would-be grandmothers. My mother-in-law had other grandchildren, but my mother never missed an […]