We all have that ONE mom friend. In my circles, I AM that one mom friend. The one who needs a Parent Advisory sticker slapped across my smut mouth. The one who needs a bleeper at the ready for park play dates.
I fuuuuuuccccckking haaaaaaaate play dates.
Your sweary mom friend is the one you go to when you need to hear adult conversation. Adult dialogue. She’s your ride-or-die bitch who will blast DMX at her house while getting suburban mom drunk with you.
Your sweary mom friend isn’t the kind who will pat you on the back and tell you sleep training gets easier.
She’s the one who tells you, “Sleep training fucking sucks and you look like you haven’t slept in days. I’m so fucking sorry, but your kid probably won’t sleep consistently until they’re at least one year old. So you’ve got, like, 9 more months of hell basically. Babies suck dick. I mean titties.”
She’s also very intense when expressing excitement. Her profanity is a proclamation of her passion: “Your kid can use the pooper and the pisser! Congrat-u-fucking-lations! Now I can finally have you guys over my house. A-fucking-men, bitch.”
Here are 7 reasons sweary mom friends make the BEST fucking friends:
1. They give it to you straight. There is no gray area with a sweary sista. There is no passive-aggressive, sugar-coated nonsense with your cussin’ mom friend. She’s gonna let you know what the fuck is up.
Go ahead –ask her about breast pumping, postpartum sex, or being pregnant. She’ll give you the heinous details everyone is hiding from you: “Your tits will feel like they are being sucked into a vacuum cleaner, postpartum sex feels about as good as shoving 9-inch-nails up your love tunnel, and being pregnant feels like you’re on the verge of dying every day because a little pip-squeak shit is sucking the ever-loving life out of you. You’re welcome.”
2. They are brilliantly colorful when excited. It’s contagious. When a sweary mom loooovvvves something – she fuuuuuucccckkking loves it. Her intensity is infectious. You can’t help but enjoy yourself around someone who compares her favorite wine to fucking a man with a donkey dick and a 6-pack. You can’t help but feel passionate about the French-pressed coffee she’s drinking when she compares it to being eaten out by five tongues. She gets a little fucking excited about things, and you can’t help but get excited, too.
3. They’re fine with being the bitch of the crew. They will tongue slash any mutha who gives you hell about breastfeeding in public. The sweary mom will destroy anyone dumb enough to ask you if you’re expecting. She’s expecting a fucking apology, bitch! The sweary mom rips assholes like it’s her day job. Which leads me to….
4. They will defend you like a mutha. If you are fortunate enough to be friends with a sweary mom, consider yourself immune to any shade thrown your way. You don’t fuck with anyone in a sweary mom’s crew. If you do, that mutha will make you scared to sleep at night just by screaming expletives.
5. They don’t take things in life too seriously. There is nothing a few, well-placed fucks can’t cure for a sweary mom. Sure, she gets pissed. But when she adds profanity to the mix, she’s less likely to actually hurt or cause harm to anyone. Cussing is cathartic. It’s a cure for life’s bullshit.
6. They are the best storytellers. There’s a reason inappropriate mom bloggers with potty mouths (ahem, present company included) are all the rage right now. They’re raw. Their rants about raising little assholes are raunchilicious. Their accounts of motherhood aren’t the same ol’ romantic rhetoric. They are fucking real. And you, dear reader, connect to moms spittin’ realness.
7. Sweary moms are really open-minded. They don’t think swear words are taboo, even when so much of the world does. They don’t give a fuck. There is nothing you could tell a sweary mom that would make her judge you. Whether it’s admitting that your kids caught you masturbating or confessing to popping happy pills to deal with the little dickheads you’re raising, a sweary mom won’t bat an eyelash when you spill your bullshit.
So next time you see a mom at the playground telling her kid to fuck off, don’t write her off. Don’t judge her. Go up to her and introduce yourself. She might be your new best fucking friend.
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