By Crystal Lowery of Creepy Ginger Kid
Once I had my baby, I kept seeing photographs of celebrity moms who lost their pregnancy weight in no time. Those magazines may have photoshopped away the women’s internal organs, but that’s no excuse for the rest of us moms to go around looking less than camera-ready.
After all, we know that the most important aspect of motherhood is being hot. That’s why I lost 20lbs — and fast! I bet you’d like to do the same.
Like most of you, I had the perfect pregnancy and gained the exact amount allowed in the chart below:
My method takes commitment, sacrifice, and a sterile field, so only read on if you are ready to make a real change in your life.
My secret to weight loss is simple: I cut my leg off. You read that right — I dismembered my left thigh, knee, calf, ankle and foot. My BMI is now in the anorexic range, and I feel great! My husband can’t get enough of my new look. Last night, we were flirting while we cooked dinner together.
He was like, “Hey, babe, taste this marinara.” I coyly licked some red sauce off of his finger and replied, “I think it needs some more spices. I’ll hop over to the cabinet and grab the basil.” As I hopped back to the stove, I lost balance and fractured my skull on the countertop. It was adorable!
After meeting a weight loss target, a lot of women quickly become dissatisfied and long to lose just a couple more pounds. I’m no exception and have thus considered which other body parts I might amputate to reach my new goal.
My lobotomy is scheduled for Friday. The surgeon has promised that he can remove at least a kilogram of grey matter (though the procedure will render me incapable of speech and fine motor skills). But at least I won’t be heavy. We all know that nothing’s less attractive than being heavy, including:
- Homicidal mania
- Hate crimes
- Injecting puppies with heroin
- Conning elderly people out of their pensions
- Mocking children with speech and language problems
- Clubbing baby seals
If I haven’t driven my point home yet, I’ll give you an example. Everyone knows that Adolf Hitler was sort of mean, but we can totes overlook his shortcomings because he had a rocking BMI. What a hottie! Prime Minister Winston Churchill only assembled the Allied troops in the invasion of German-occupied France because he was a jealous fatty.
Oh gosh, I was just speaking about history like one of those girls with “intelligence” and “a personality,” wasn’t I? Don’t worry. After Friday’s surgery, I won’t have pesky “thoughts” and “ideas” getting in the way of my looks.
The price we pay for beauty, am I right, ladies?
Related Post: This Idiot’s Guide to Dressing Your Age
About the Author
Crystal Lowery is an American mom working in England. By day, she does medical research, by night she wrangles two toddlers, a boy and a girl. She has made millions laugh on The Huffington Post, Scarymommy, For Every Mom, In the Powder Room, Mumsnet and others. You can find her blogging at Creepy Ginger Kid and she’d love for you to follow her on Facebook.