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Teen Trends: Putting a Whole GD Orange in Your Mouth

Teen Trends: Putting a Whole Goddamn Orange In Your Mouth

By Abby Byrd of Little Miss Perfect

Experts are warning parents to be on the lookout for the latest dangerous teen trend known as Putting a Whole Goddamn Orange In Your Mouth.

“Basically, teens are challenging each other to put a whole goddamn orange in their mouths,” said Dr. Carol Black, an emergency room physician who practices in Los Angeles.

A Historical Perspective

Putting a whole goddamn orange in your mouth is a relatively new phenomenon. Scholars believe it may have actually begun in the 1960s or 1970s, around the time that similar games became popular.

Some believe it’s a corruption of the Chubby Bunny challenge, in which teens try to stuff their mouths with as many marshmallows as possible. Some believe the challenge may have arisen from the party game of holding an orange under the chin and passing it from person to person. Still others think the barbaric and unhygienic “bobbing for apples” may have been an influence.

The Dangers

“We’re seeing a lot of pulled muscles, unhinged jaws, jaws just falling off,” says Dr. Black.

Who is at Risk

Any child who is stupid and weak enough of character to try to put a whole goddamn orange in his or her mouth.

Warning Signs

Take immediate action if:

  • You notice your child doing “exercises” to stretch his or her jaw muscles.
  • Your child asks you to purchase oranges or other similarly-sized spherical objects (e.g. tennis balls).
  • Fruit seems to be going missing from the fridge or fruit basket.
  • Half-bitten-into oranges appear in the trash can.
  • Your child texts you, “OW, I just tried to put a whole goddamn orange in my mouth and I think I broke my jaw!” or stumbles down the stairs with a whole goddamn orange in his or her mouth, wailing in agony.

*****

About the Author

Abby Byrd is a teacher, a grammarian, and the poster mom for existential angst. Her work has appeared on Scary Mommy/Club Mid, In The Powder Room, BLUNTMoms, Mamalode, The Good Men Project, The Reject Pile, and The Big Jewel, as well as in two anthologies. She is a frequent contributor to MockMom. Follow her on Twitter, on Facebook, and at her blog, Little Miss Perfect.