April was very similar to March in the sense that it feels like we’re stuck in a Groundhog’s Day type of loop that has us all sitting around waiting for something (anything!) to happen to deliver us from this Godforsaken virus-induced purgatory. Seriously, it’s been ages and not at all the kind of Spring most of us were expecting. RIP frolicking in crowded public spaces and getting Spring-drunk in bars.
Now I’d say that this whole situation is boring, but the truth is it’s hectic as fuck. Having cooped up children returning to their natural feral state is certainly no picnic. Neither is having to school them, clean up after them, and feed them endless meals. My snack-bitching game has never been stronger! Once this is all over I probably won’t remember how to say hello like a civilized human, but I tell ya, my Goldfish throwing hand has never been stronger.
Sadly, it’s like we’re all stuck in limbo, just watching the world get crazier and crazier while we sit at home with our handwashing and endless supply of Instagram lives. At least we’re “all in it together”, which means a practically endless supply of very relatable jokes.
15 of the Funniest Tweets From Parents in April
1. That’s Carole Fuckin’ Baskin to you!
I love how my husband can fart like 59 times in a row, but if I do it once he looks at me like I’m Carole Baskin
— Go Ask Your Dad (@_goaskyourdad_) April 2, 2020
2. The first rule of Pandemic is do as I say not as I do.
Me to my kids: you have to eat right and get good sleep if you want to stay healthy.
Also me: *shouting at 5am* WHO THE HELL ATE MY BREAKFAST PRINGLES??
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) April 7, 2020
3. Truly a resume-worthy skill.
My kid can tell me all about a 24 minute episode of Paw Patrol in 56 minutes.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 21, 2020
4. Ah, the good old days!
I miss going to a restaurant and paying 5.99 for kraft macaroni and cheese for my kid to take two bites of it.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) April 7, 2020
5. Hey, that’s my list too!
My quarantine parenting daily to do list:
Rub my temples.
Sigh a lot.
Stare blankly out a window.
Yell at kids to do their school work.
Glare at my husband for breathing.
Throw snacks at kids.
Bake something and eat all of it.
Go on nightly rage walk.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) April 20, 2020
6. Fuck it, I’m sure it’s fine.
"I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN"
"You know, I think I'm ok with my kids being dumb"
— Marlantined (@Marlebean) March 20, 2020
7. Every day just keeps getting better than the last.
Well, the WiFi is out.
Turns out things can always get worse.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 14, 2020
8. Nobody likes a smartass, kid.
My 4 year old came downstairs and asked me what his stuffed bunny did for a living. Over the next few minutes I guessed farmer, fireman, astronaut and race car driver until my son deadpanned, "he doesn't have a job because he's not real," while glaring at me like I'm an idiot.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 27, 2020
9. Ah yes, truly a one-size-fits-all approach.
Today's homeschool lesson plan:
1) turn on the tv
— Moderately Mom (@momtribevibe) April 28, 2020
10. More grueling than burpees.
My favorite form of cardio is wrestling pajamas onto damp children
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) April 23, 2020
11. Thoughts and prayers!
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 19, 2020
12. Where is all this shit coming from!?!
After folding all of the clothes I can only assume that I have 7 children and two husbands that I was not previously aware of.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) April 13, 2020
13. Lord help us all.
Baby Name Predictor 2021
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) March 20, 2020
14. What Happened? “NOTHING!”
Nobody has a better bedside manner than a kid who’s trying to get their sibling they just punched to stop crying before their parents hear.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) April 25, 2020
15. Seriously! God save those precious angels.
Once this is all over, I kindly invite you to actively participate in the subtle art of shutting the fuck up when it comes to any complaints about teachers.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) April 22, 2020
Hopefully there will be a light at the end of the tunnel soon!
But until then, we’ll be stuck with Zoom calls, distance learning, working from home, dirty dishes, piles of laundry, staying home, face masks, grocery store lineups, sourdough starters, and weeping ever so gently in the shower that you have once every two weeks. Stay sane, fam!