Valentines Day sucks and makes more people sad than happy. So here are some actual real valentines I'd like to send to my "lovers."
Humor Sex and Relationships

Valentines for My (Not So) Secret Lovers

Valentines Day sucks and makes more people sad than happy. So here are some actual real valentines I'd like to send to my "lovers."

By Shanna Walker of The Chic White Sheep

Valentine’s Day. My least favorite of all the holidays. Not because I’m heartless, but because it’s so contrived and manipulative. I’m waiting on confirmation, but studies* show that 95% of all people are unhappy on Valentine’s Day. (*all studies conducted by me, in an uncontrolled environment, in which exactly no data was collected whatsoever)

Singles, many of whom are fine being single every other day of the year, are made to feel lesser-than because they don’t have anyone they can waste $8 and 2 hours in the card aisle on. People in new relationships agonize over the level of effort they should put into the holiday. Even those comfortably hitched can get anxiety over how they should show their love. Jewelry too much? Candy too little? Socks too hokey? Lingerie too presumptive? So many ways to go wrong! The 5% who enjoy Valentine’s Day are all employed by the greeting card and refrigerated rose industry.

Here’s my dilemma. Some of my nearest and dearest literally don’t know I exist. Still others know that I’m here and may suspect that I love them, but a Valentine’s gesture might be a little weird. So, I’m taking this opportunity to get in the spirit of the holiday and say something from the heart for these beloved ones that might otherwise go unrecognized this Valentine’s Day. This is for you, Lovers.

1. Target

My dearest Target, you smell so nice.

And everything here is just the right price.

My love for you shall never die,

As long as my RedCard you do not deny.

2. NetFlix

Oh Netflix, sweet Netflix, it is so true

I want to spend the whole night with you!

While sometimes I might wander to Disney Plus

You don’t forget your first; tonight is all about us.

3. Tamiflu

Kids are so great, but they can carry the flu.

When the test comes back positive, You’re My Boo!

You keep us all well, which makes my heart flip,

And my stomach, too, but we’ll overlook that bit.

4. My Girlfriends

All day long, we’re on the group chat.

Cursing and moaning about this and that.

I just don’t know how I’d make it through

Without a hundred stupid GIFs shared with you.

5. Seat Warmers

On these cold and dreary winter days,

When the winds like a knife can cut,

I shiver as I climb into this freezing car,

And, in no time, you warm my butt.

6. Bradley Cooper

Sometimes I look at you and it’s just too much!

My kids are at school, wanna meet for lunch?

You’re clever, you’re smokin’, and sensitive, too.

Just give me a chance, and see what I can do.*

(*”what I can do” is completely implode from anxiety and guilt)

7. Snapchat Filters

You make me a better woman, or a cat, dog, or bunny.

You smooth away my wrinkles and make my voice sound funny.

You keep my kids entertained and cause all my friends to snicker.

This mom over 40 won’t take a selfie without her Snapchat filter.

8. My Dry Cleaner

Dry Cleaner Man, I have to say, you’re really not that sweet.

But when I pull up in your drive-through, you never miss a beat.

I also want you to know, your plight I understand.

I’m giving you all these shirts, because I can’t do ‘em, man.

9. Tacos

You’ve been with me through thick and thin.

Mostly thick, because I want you again and again!

Made of crispy corn, or the softest flour,

If it were up to me, I’d have you every hour.

10. Wine

You can be red, or you can be white.

It doesn’t matter which, as long as you’re here tonight.

And when I feel that I must partake during the day,

It’s perfectly acceptable to lunch with Rosé.

XOXO, all you Funny Valentines. Show extra love to your people today, and don’t forget them the rest of the year. If you’re feeling a little lonely on this made-up holiday, just remember, there might be someone loving you from afar. Maybe you could write them a quirky poem…or look into taking out a restraining order. I’ll leave that one up to you, Lover.


About the Author

Shanna Walker is a lover of wine, words, family, and friends. Not necessarily in that order, but especially when they’re all together. Shanna worked for several years in the Real Estate Finance industry before assuming her current role as full-time CEO of her chaotic household. She is responsible for the health and well-being of her hardworking husband, two precocious daughters, and a high maintenance goldendoodle, as well as all the facilities and supplies needed to run such an operation. She’s doing an ok job with it all. To hear more of her thoughts on the ridiculous and mundane, you can follow her on Instagram and Twitter @chicwhitesheep, or browse her blog at