By Carole Rosenblat of Drop Me Anywhere
On January 20th the Trump family did what many Americans dream of—moving from apartment living to a house. While they may actually be renters — after all, it’s the People’s House — they will be allotted a budget in order to redecorate and make it their own.
The color of the White House is a tradition, but not the law. Still, any major renovations, including painting the White House gold or, perhaps, installing twenty-three-foot letters spelling TRUMP on the roof, must be approved by the Committee for the Preservation of the White House. Of course, the committee is largely comprised of citizens appointed by the President of the United States so, well, it might not be too difficult.
We’ve gotten the inside scoop on changes planned thus far. “It’s gonna be great! The most spectacular renovations ever!” Mr. Trump was heard to say.
Following are some of the changes Mr. Trump has announced:
The Trumps plan to change the color and name of the Green Room to the Gold Room. They will also change the Red Room to the Gold Room. And the Blue Room will be redecorated and renamed the Gold Room.
The ceiling of the oval office will be painted with a replica of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel (or as Mr. Trump refers to it, the Sixteenth Chapel; bless his heart); however, instead of God extending his index finger to Adam, it will be Mr. Trump extending his middle finger to the American people.
All of the gilded silver housed in the Vermeil room will be donated to Goldman Sachs in order to boost them back to the giants they were before the unfortunate and unfair events of 2010 when homeowners cheated them out of money they had scammed fair and square. After all, gilded silver is really just loser’s gold.
The East Room is the largest room in the White House and is normally empty of furniture as it’s often used for press conferences and other events. This room will no longer be used for press conferences due to Mr. Trump’s belief that press is no longer needed, as nothing good ever happens after 140 characters. Besides, the Civil Rights Act was signed in the East Room in 1964, and in 2010, the Affordable Care Act was signed there as well, so this room houses ghosts which Mr. Trump feels are better forgotten. Beginning January 20th, the East Room will be the new home of the Miss White House Pageant. (No fatties allowed.)
The putting green on the South Lawn will be expanded as it’s the perfect location for the newest Trump golf course. Not reserved for the world’s greatest golfers, oh no; anyone can play a round there just as long as they contribute $100,000 or more to the Donald J. Trump Foundation or mention that they are a “Friend of Vlad” (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).
Currently the Roosevelt Room holds the Congressional Medal of Honor awarded posthumously to Theodore Roosevelt in 2001 to honor his heroism in the Spanish-American War. Mr. Trump plans to change little in the room except for two additions—the Purple Heart, which Mr. Trump earned for his selfless act of borrowing a million dollars from his father to open his own business, will hang next to Teddy’s award. This Purple Heart also signifies the great sacrifice of his time in order to work on his own business, and his heroism for hiring contractors and not paying them. “Thousands of people call Trump Tower home and now have a place to live,” he said proudly. “This has helped solve the homelessness problem in the U.S.”
Also, hanging above the fireplace in Roosevelt Room visitors will find the now famous, six-foot-tall painting of Mr. Trump, which his charity, the Donald J. Trump Foundation, purchased for $20,000.
The James S. Brady Press Briefing – not needed.
The Library – not needed.
Finally, one can’t help but notice the similarities between Mr. Trump’s plan for the West Colonnade and the Hall of Mirrors at the Royal Palace of Versailles. As Louis XIV passed through the Hall of Mirrors on his daily commute from his private apartment to the chapel, courtiers assembled and would, occasionally, put forth the question, “Sire, Marty?” This was how someone might obtain a high-value invitation to one of the king’s house parties at Marly-le-Roi, the king’s villa north of Versailles on the way to Saint-Germain-en-Laye.
In Mr. Trump’s White House, the West Colonnade will be covered with mirrors. “They’ll be those mirrors with lights surrounding them like they have for those crooked Hollywood stars. They’ll also have those Snapchat filters where you can make yourself look like a chipmunk and other fun stuff. I could play with those all day. It’ll be great!”
As he drives his tricked-out golf cart down the colonnade from the White House living quarters to the Oval Office, his staffers will line up, shouting, “Sire, Marty?” Some lucky female ones (no fatties or uglies) may, in fact, be invited to “a great party! The best ever! It’ll be huge!” at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago, the king’s, er, president’s estate on the way to ‘Saint-Trump-en-Lay.’
Finally, while Mr. Trump has told us that, though the first family will not be getting a dog – one dog in the White House is enough – he would welcome a pussy or two.
About the Author
Carole Rosenblat is a full-time traveler and writer. Her work has appeared in various international publications. She’s recently completed an around-the-world journey about unplanned travel where she invited readers of her blog, Drop Me Anywhere, to choose the destinations traveled to and volunteered in. She’s currently writing a book about the experience. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and at her blog Drop Me Anywhere.