By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
There’s nothing like the love between a man and his soul mate.
Except, perhaps, the love between a man and his own dick.
And now, thanks to male-founded company Let’s Get Cocky™, men everywhere are combining the two in order to give their partners “the ultimate Valentine’s Day gift”—a customized dildo, designed to the exact specifications of their very own penises.
Willy Wanker, head (giggle) of operations at Let’s Get Cocky™, says that his Penis Pals™ have been “selling like hot cocks, erm, I mean cakes,” since they made their commercial debut just a few weeks ago.
“It’s the perfect Valentine’s Day gift,” he told us. “Thoughtful, practical, fun, and extremely satisfying. Seriously, what more could a woman ask for? Trust me. I’m a man; I know what women want.”
Penis Pals™ are available for purchase online through the company’s website, letsgetcocky.com. Once accessed, the site guides customers through a series of prompts designed to help the company create “the perfect product.” These include questions regarding size, color, and texture. Customers are also asked about their personal grooming habits and encouraged to provide precise measurements.
“We want to be as accurate as possible,” Wanker said. “We also have a dick pic uploading tool for those customers who are really striving for an exact replica. Of course, we understand some guys can get, uh, camera shy, so we do have some enhancement filters available to help with that.”
We checked the website’s customer reviews section to see how people have responded to their Penis Pals™ purchases so far and discovered an average 5/5 star rating among male customers. Here are what some of them had to say:
“I am 100% fucking satisfied with my Penis Pal™, and my wife is 100% satisfied fucking with it.” –Ryan K., recreational gym-goer
“Well, I haven’t given it to my wife yet, but I know she’ll love it. She’s gonna be so surprised when she sees this instead of that spa gift certificate she was hinting at.” –Kevin G., self-employed relationship counselor
“My girlfriend always acts like she gets the shaft on Valentine’s Day. Now I can make sure she really does. Awesomesauce!” –Frederick P., coffee shop barista
“Sometimes I just get it out to, like, literally play with myself!” –Kyle T., on behalf of men everywhere
“Even our dog loves it!” –Scott P., hotdog cart salesman and wiener dog owner
“My wife says it works even better than the real thing!” –Matthew R., clueless dumbass
Let’s Get Cocky™ is running a 10% off special from now until Valentine’s Day. Wanker said that customers just need to apply the promo code HEARTSANDPARTS at checkout.
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About the Author
Samantha Wassel is a sarcastic and slightly unhinged SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettlebelling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars