By Mock Mom
I met my husband on a clear day in July. The way the sunshine danced on his perfectly coiffed hair led to a stirring deep within my loins, a lingering urge that led me to pray for the following 36 hours, my heart aflutter with oppressive sinful wanting. Like all good girls, I put my lust on ice, after all, there are far more pure outlets for satisfaction. Slamming books shut, screaming at retail workers, and gently de-linting my favorite mauve turtleneck sweater. Yet still, I couldn’t fight the beast that swelled inside me, so I did the right thing and married the man.
As time went on, desires gave way to a blissful routine of church potlucks, quoting scripture to strangers online, and sitting a minimum of 2.5 feet apart on the couch. The lust that once polluted the purity of my mind and my downstairs baby garden is long gone, like dust moving over the sands of time. This is why we decided to spice it up by inviting a Pastor to come read Leviticus while we make love through a hole in the sheet.
When you invite a Pastor to come read Leviticus while you make love through a hole in the sheet, what you’re essentially doing is choosing your marriage. My marriage is top priority, second only to Godliness. And as the pastor said when Stuart was trying his darndest to squinch eyes and look away as the sheet skewed to the wayside exposing my supple-yet-filthy side-bosom, “In this way the priest will make atonement for them before the LORD, and they will be forgiven for any of the things they did that made them guilty.”
Sure, we’re a little bit rusty, and sure we got in a little tiff when the hole I cut was too loose, leading to a fair amount of actual genital contact… but please rest assured we realized the errors of our ways when the Pastor bellowed “Keep all my decrees and laws and follow them, so that the land where I am bringing you to live may not vomit you out”.
Although there is still big work to do on my marriage, I can say with the utmost pious confidence that the best thing we’ve ever done for our intimacy has been to invite a Pastor to come read Leviticus while we make love through a hole in the sheet. Now I can feel clean in knowing that when I recall those carnal moments of feeling the lumberous motions of my darling Stuart’s heaving dad bod through the soft 500 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets from Target, I am also recalling the Pastor shouting out “Whoever picks up one of their carcasses must wash their clothes, and they will be unclean till evening.”
So the next time you’re feeling down and out, maybe you could also try inviting a Pastor to come and read Leviticus while you make love through a hole in the sheet! Just make sure to plan your romance carefully, because as my Pastor always hollers mid-coitus over our marital bed: “Do not approach a woman to have sexual relations during the uncleanliness of her monthly period.” And of course, always remember to be discreet and pray for your poor Pastor’s comfort, lest he feel the need to “then take some of the log of oil, pour it in the palm of his own left hand.”