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This post-sex cleanup product turns you into a human push-pop and I am DYING. Not only is this splooge sponge kinda brilliant, but also the founder, Frances Tang, and her marketing tactics are drip-down-your-leg funny. Unless, of course, you’ve got one of these dip sticks handy. Honestly, they need to go in my momergency kit ASAP.

The brand has been through some changes, most noticeably its name, Awkward Essentials, which used to be Come & Gone, and how you used to be greeted on their website with the hype-bitching you never knew you needed: Cream filled? We got you.

We’ve all been here:

That awkward post-coital moment where you gotta clean his peen strudel off your chest or penguin-walk to the bathroom for cleanup in aisle PU55Y (or V, A55, PU9EE, depends on your grocery store layout, really).

Turn yourself from a hoe-hoe to a creamsicle with Awkward Essentials’ drip sticks. All you gotta do is sit and spin. Like making cotton candy with jizz.

Just remember: push-pop, not Caprisun. Do NOT put the stick in your front-butt or butt-butt. We’re all about taking sticks OUT of asses.

The comments and reviews from customers and looky-loos in Awkward Essentials’ comments are beyond hilarious.

Frances even got the attention of Stephen Fry, an English actor.

The memes Awkward Essentials posts will have you shaking the bed. From laughing, of course.

And c’mon with this marketing. Their geniusly pervy marketing alone has converted many trolls into customers.

Many commenters have voiced their distaste for single-use plastics, to which Frances responded that she honestly didn’t know if anyone would want or use this product. Now that they’re a hit, she does have plans to make the product biodegradable.

As if all of this weren’t enough to make you shake the bed laughing, here’s a handy lil’ info-graphic for how much cum is produced annually in the U.S.A.

And you can even send a special someone a fun little e-card straight from the Awkward Essentials website here.

This sex cleanup product that can go by many names (splooge sponge, cooch cleaner, vageen squeegee, the skeet-er beater, the spuz-buster, the sperminator, super semen soaker – were all fan submissions) is the thing we didn’t know we needed in our lives. Or vaginas.

To order yourself one or 69 for $69, head on over here.