Hey, girl. I’m about to let you in on a little secret.
Have you ever wished you could make a full-time income as a stay-at-home mom?
Don’t miss out! For just $100 and your dignity, you’ll get: to join a team of successful mom bosses, attend exclusive events *coughSUPERBOWL2021cough*, rub elbows with celebs like H.E.R. and the literal American flag as it whips you in the face, and a lifetime supply of Vodka Mule.
Ready to be a part of our exclusive girl gang? First, you need to learn the language of our people. Words like: boss babe, momfluencer, mompreneur, girl boss, mom boss, hey girl, and y’all are gonna need to make up 90% of your sentences from now on.
You’ll also need to become fluent in emoji dumbfuckery. Here is our holy emoji codex: 🙏🙋🏼♀️👆👌🤑💖🙌💁♀️🎉💸 and for some reason, we dk, these: 🌌🔮.
Our attire is middle-aged man reminiscent of his college frat days – striped polos and khakis, and if you’re not down with that dress code, you can’t sit with us on Women2FollowWednesday linky parties 🙅🏼♀️.
We are only interested in mamas who aren’t afraid to werk it. You have to be a dedicated team player because you’re only as strong as the SheEO next to you 🙌.
You’ll be asked to bust into the DM’s of your friends list and anyone who expresses an iota of interest in Vodka Mule. Beat friends and family down with your rhinestoned “level up” stick, etched with motivational quotes until they’re so weak they submit. Guilt-trip anyone who hasn’t purchased from you by complaining that they aren’t being supportive of your small business. Shamelessly photobomb powerful Black women just trying to belt out America The Beautiful in one of the highlights of their career. Be a pompous ass of amateur product placement.
Claw your way to the top by smelling areas of weakness and vulnerability in others and BITING THEM IN THE JUGULAR.
Take control of your future and sign up to Khaki Guy Vodka Mule today!