Amidst rapidly deteriorating conditions, the remaining threads in a local mother’s pair of yoga pants are struggling to keep a hole on its inner thigh from ripping apart completely.
“It’s been months now,” said one of the longer, especially-stressed threads. “I’m really not sure how much longer we can hang on. I know it sounds morbid, but part of me wishes she’d just put us out of our misery already.”
“They say, ‘Thick thighs save lives,’ but we’ve lost a lot of good men out here,” said another thread.
The dozen or so persisting threads remain in imminent danger. And the literal stress they’re under is becoming unbearable.
“She was doing squats in her living room today. SQUATS!” said a visibly shaken thread. “We’re stretchy, but we’re not miracle workers.”
When asked for comment, the local mom (who wishes to remain anonymous) said she “doesn’t wear the pants outside the house” and “is totally planning to get a new pair next pay day.”