By Karen Johnson of The 21st Century SAHM
The following is a petition letter sent out to residents of Happy Valley, a suburban subdivision located in Yourtown, via their Home Owner’s Association.
Dear Fellow Happy Valley Residents,
It has come to my attention, and thus I must warn you, of an unsettling development here in Happy Valley. It is my duty and my pleasure as your Happy Valley HOA president to inform you of any wrong doing in our safe and pleasant neighborhood. (It also makes me feel special and important.)
The Smithjohnsons, a family who recently moved onto Holly Tree Lane, is causing a stir as Mrs. Smithjohnson, a stay-at-home mom, is not following proper Happy Valley protocol and has exhibited bizarre, inexplicable behavior. This woman has been allegedly spotted around town, running errands, buying groceries, and picking her children up from school in what we deem to be indecent attire for SAHMs. Mrs. Smithjohnson has been wearing jeans and T-shirts in public. There was one particularly alarming report of her wearing a dress to the library.
When confronted about her dress code violations, she responded that she does not even own one single pair of yoga pants. Apparently nary a Lululemon item dons her closet!
Furthermore, it has been reported to me (and I thank those of you diligent Happy Valley vigilantes who are out there, keeping our streets clean and our kids safe) that Mrs. Smithjohnson recently purchased boxed macaroni and cheese for her children and, in her cart, there was neither kale nor anything made from coconut.
Friends, we must band together to evict the Smithjohnsons. This woman is an abomination to our serene, gluten-free community. If she is able to move in here in her non-workout attire and pump her family full of toxins, how will this devilish behavior impact the rest of us?
The poor Happy Valley moms of Momcircle met last week, and she attempted to join wearing jean capri pants and brandishing a cup of Cheetos for her child. Melanie McMasterson, Momcircle leader, was unable to prevent the mayhem that ensued. Mothers were aghast and children were shrieking in fear of this crazed lunatic, who is clearly lacking in proper motherhood etiquette and values.
Please, I implore you, fellow Happy Valley residents, to sign this petition to forcibly remove this abominable family from Holly Tree Lane and from our neighborhood forever.
Blair Brombly, Happy Valley HOA President
About the Author
Karen Johnson is a former English teacher turned SAHM to three small monsters. She began writing a few years ago, as she found her brain atrophying into a watery blob and the rest of her drowning in a sea of poop and pee and boogers. Her blog The 21st Century SAHM is a cathartic mix of sarcasm, angry rants, and heartfelt confessions of how she’s screwing up her kids. Find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.