November is for frosty mornings, hot cups of caffeinated whatever, and gearing up for some holiday craziness. For Americans, November is the lead-in to Thanksgiving, the holiday where you gather with your family and eat until you feel sick.
November is for holiday shopping and cancelling Santa. It’s for rage cleaning and sneakily eating all those cookies you just baked. It’s for arguing about where cranberry sauce should come from and for bickering about how to prep the turkey.
The thing about these crazy months is that your kids have exactly zero fucks to give about all that stress and shit you need to get done. As little energy vampires, they can sense the chaos and bring their own fuckery to match it, instead of holding back a little so that their parents won’t lose their minds.
At least we’re getting to the closing of the year. 2019 was a doozy!
Here’s what the funny parents of Twitter had to say about November, Thanksgiving, and everything in between!
1. A feast of thanks, for the Tiny Prince and Princess
Let's get married & have kids so instead of enjoying Thanksgiving dinner you can make sure no food touches on her plate while I microwave him a hotdog.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 22, 2019
2. Everyone’s new favorite side dish is a big bowl of phone chargers
On Thanksgiving, back in my day, kids used to fight over the wishbone.
These days, kids are fighting over phone chargers.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) November 24, 2019
3. Not a single baby book prepared me for this shit
Only have kids if you REALLY want to watch someone do a spin 10,000 times.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) November 7, 2019
4. Time for a November candy-smackdown
Only one of my kids has Halloween candy left and our current family situation is less like Brady Bunch and more like Lord of the Flies.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 23, 2019
5. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it forever – time changes unfairly persecute parents
CLOCK: daylight saving time has ended you now have an extra hour
MY KID: dibs
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 3, 2019
6. Family life would be a lot more enjoyable if it weren’t so flippin’ LOUD
Me [to kids]: Guys. Can you stop? I hate that noise!
Kids: Which one?
Husband: All of them.
— The Vagina Diary (@thevaginadiary) November 23, 2019
7. BE SPECIFIC!
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 19, 2019
8. This is brilliant self-care
My husband and I decided we don't want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
— Natasha (@dramadelinquent) November 11, 2019
9. Way to get demoted, Gary
My husband just informed me that I’m not the boss of him so he’s now my least favorite child.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) November 25, 2019
10. WHAT IF YOU DROP IT!?!
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?[later]Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: Of course. Here you go.
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) November 15, 2019
11. Still searching for #mytribe
We all need that one friend who loves your kids like their own, and will delete the group chat from your phone if you die.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) November 17, 2019
12. Jeez, you can’t bring this guy anywhere
me, about to order coffee: *lowers window*
toddler: MY MOM FARTED
— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) November 25, 2019
13. Wow, unsolicited advice much?
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) November 24, 2019
14. Sorry, sweetie, but no best friend of mine would be so reckless with improper grammar
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 23, 2019
15. Also it should be noted that all sales are FINAL
If you want an enthusiastic cheerleader and a savage heckler in one 40lb package, having a Toddler™ may be right for you.
Ask your doctor if your psyche is strong enough for Toddlers™
Toddlers™ may cause extreme fatigue, a weakened immune system, and severe irritability.
— Some Boys' Mother (@someboysmother) November 23, 2019
So let’s all say farewell to November and buckle up for December!
Make sure to share these tweets with your friends so they can have a laugh to wash down the upcoming week-long stint of leftover turkey sammiches!