By Robert McGee
7:45 – Finally, the kids are out of the house. Time to go back to bed.
9:00 – What’s for breakfast? Cheesecake!
9:15 – Mmmm. Coffee. It’s the best drink in the world. I don’t let my kids drink it because I like being mean.
9:30 – I love TV. I wonder why the best cartoons are on when the kids are in school?
10:00 – I guess I should go teach a class at the university. I’m glad I’m not a real teacher that has to work all day.
10:15 – Brumm Brumm. I’m driving a car. Oh, look, a cement mixer! Beep beep.
10:30 – Blah blah blah. Teaching is so easy when the students already know how to read and don’t need my help in the bathroom.
12:00 – What’s for lunch? Cheesecake!
1:30 – I need to write a book so I can get ten-year but I can type really fast, so I think I’ll go home and play video games. I can write on the weekend when my son wants to show me his toys.
2:00 – This video game for adults is so much fun. I’m sure my kids would like it too, but I won’t let them play it because I like being mean.
3:00 – The kids will be home from school soon. I’d better finish that cheesecake before they know we had some in the house.
3:30 – My favorite part of the day! Scratching their faces with my stubble kisses and embarrassing them with hugs before the bus pulls away. Wave to the back of the bus, kids!
4:00 – Better go to the kitchen so the kids can’t listen to my conversation, and then call my wife and tell her to bring sex home so we can have that after the kids go to bed.
4:30 – Time to drive the kids to swimming lessons.
4:45 – Brumm brumm. Driving is so much fun! Nice turn signal, asshole! Beep Beep. So fun! It’s like I’m in a movie.
5:00 – What should I do while they are swimming? I guess I’ll check out that pet store and play with the puppies.
6:15 – The kids need to finish their math homework. If they ask for help, I’ll show them the wrong way to do it because I’m not a real teacher, and my career as a logic lecturer has in no way prepared me for long division.
6:45 – Family dinner time. I don’t see my wife much during the day, so it’s a great time for us to get mad about politics.
7:30 – Time for a bedtime story. I fondly remember crying myself to sleep for a week after reading Where the Red Fern Grows when I was a kid. I’m happy to pass that unhappiness on to my son.
8:00 – The kids are finally in bed and that means it’s R-rated movie time!
10:00 – Almost bedtime, but first I should have that sex my wife brought home from work. Too bad there’s no cheesecake left to go with it.
About the Author
Rob has written comedy and short stories for The American Bystander, Little Old Lady Comedy, Points in Case, and a number of other funny places. Follow him on Twitter @Robert__McGee.