Christmas is a time of many traditions. Things that make this time of year extra magical and special. There are few points in the year that are more ripe with symbolism and tradition than Christmas. One of these traditions is the annual load-up to go visit the big guy himself, Mall Santa.
Mall Santa is just like the real thing, except far more jaded. Mall Santa has inspired movies and red suit sales everywhere with his enthusiastic rendition of the real one, the one who’s too busy making toys up North to sit in a giant chair outside the Iowa Bed Bath and Beyond listening to how all these damn kids just want Call of Duty and AirPods for Christmas.
At the end of the day, Mall Santa might just be a guy in a suit with a job, but he is such a huge part of the Christmas tradition and magic. This is evident in the beaming smile from older kids when they see him, and by the abject terror he inspires in babies. Seriously, that photo you just paid for is going to provide LOLs for years to come!
1. We waited for an hour and 45 mins; Mama’s gonna need to see some teeth
Behind every mall picture with Santa is a mom snapping her fingers behind the photographer and scream pleading for their child to smile.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) December 22, 2015
2. Oh snap
[at the mall]
me: it's time you know the truth — Santa is fake
me: yeah, he was talking mad shit about you behind your back
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 7, 2018
3. They really see the worst of the worst
4 out of 5 mall Santa’s recommend not having kids.
— Woody Barrelson (@Woody_B_) December 20, 2018
4. Mall Santa saw you poop in Daddy’s shoes
My 2 year old is absolutely TERRIFIED of this mall Santa. Given his behavior over the past year, I can't say I blame him.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 24, 2018
5. Actually, here’s a whole list of things you can scare my kids into complying with
I wish this mall Santa would do me a solid and tell my kids to throw away their juice box straw wrappers.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 18, 2016
6. Fun fact – Mall Santa isn’t just for kids
Me [sitting down]: I dunno there's just something I find sexy about a man in uniform
Mall Santa: SECURITY
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 19, 2018
7. Plot twist
I was 10 when my parents told me Santa wasn’t real, well I’m at the mall right now and guess who’s fucking here
— eRa Textrahᴮᴮ (@txtrah) November 27, 2019
8. *Just pretend so you get more presents ok?*
[in the mall]
Me: Want to sit on Santa’s lap?
4-year-old: I don't think he’s the real Santa.
4: Should we call the police?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 16, 2014
9. Looks like thievery will get you one more lump of coal
Mall Santa saw you using your own camera to take pictures. He has noted it.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) December 23, 2016
10. It’s the gift that will stay with them forever
My kids talked to a mall Santa, and now they’re getting disappointment for Christmas.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) December 16, 2017
11. You are all of us
I can’t be the only one making the throat slashing sign at the mall Santa when their child asks for the newest iPhone.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 3, 2019
12. Santa just really wants you to live laugh love your way onto the nice list, ok?
*mall Santa booth thing*
Child: Hi Santa
Santa: ho ho ho
Child: I want a bicycle this year
Santa: Nah. You get coal.
Child: what why?
Santa: did a vibe check and your energy is just fucking wack dude
— Langdon (@ryanlangdon_) December 3, 2019
Mall Santa is essential to the Christmas tradition.
After all, who else can you fake call all through November and December to get your kids to brush their damn teeth??