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Man Shouts Truth About Santa to Kids in Mall, Will Totally Get Coal in Stocking

David Grisham, an evangelical preacher, has taken it upon himself to teach the truth about Santa to other people’s children.

Grisham — who appears to have borrowed his approach to ministry from Westboro Baptist Church — went on a minutes-long tirade against sin and Santa at a mall in Amarillo, Texas, as children waited in line to see the jolly Sinner-in-Chief himself. After all, nothing says “good Christian soul” like making a bunch of kids cry at Christmas.

The man you’re going to see today is just a man in a suit dressed up like Santa, but Santa does not exist. Santa is not real. And parents, ya’ll need to stop lying to your children and telling them that Santa Claus is real, when, in fact, he is not.

I wonder how he would feel if atheists ran into his church yelling about what they see as the myth of Christianity.

Jesus is a lie!

God is make-believe!


The good pastor seemed especially perturbed that parents feel it is their right to lie to their children, a sentiment that left me wondering, “Wait, dowhatnow?”

Don’t lie to your children and tell them there is such a thing as Santa when you know in reality there are no flying reindeer, there is no workshop at the North Pole, there is [sic] no elves making toys, that you buy all the gifts and put them under the tree. That’s all the truth and there is no real Santa Claus. There is no Santa. It is not your place to lie to your children.

I know parents who prefer not to buy into the whole Santa thing and I can appreciate that – I sort of half-ass it myself – but if he comes into my yard saying the ice cream truck does not play music only when it is sold out, I will turn him over to my cranky, teething toddler. Same if he tells them that McDonald’s is not closed, TVs don’t need naps, or that I actually do know what happened to that “missing” toy.

According to the Washington Post, Grisham does not reserve his holy ire for small children wearing glittery red dresses and clutching hand-scribbled Christmas lists. In 2010 he recorded himself shooting a Santa piñata in the face because it is definitely Christ-like to murder in effigy.

He sometimes takes his act on the road, traveling all over the country with his wife to spread the word of their particular brand of gospel to people who really don’t give a shit.

Grisham, in his interview with the Washington Post, said, “Most of the unsaved people are not going to church. My wife and I, we go to gay bars, we go to porn shops. If you’re going to be a fisher of men, you’ve got to go where the fish are.”

I am pretty sure he is confusing “porn shop” and “bait shop.”

Because everyone knows sinners hang around strip clubs, Grisham and his wife spent time in August hanging around a strip club called The Great Alaskan Bush Company to give patrons a stern talking to. I tell you this tidbit mostly to point out the existence of a strip club called the Great Alaskan Bush Company.

I, for one, am glad he is spending tons of money to fly around the world, tilting at windmills rather than donating it to a charity that might actively help those in need. After all, if poor people had more money, they might spend some on Christmas presents from Santa, and we wouldn’t want that, now, would we?

There is no word so far about whether Donald Trump will appoint Grisham as his Minister of Morality and Truthiness, but I would not call it implausible.