By MockMom Contributors
Nothing says “Blink twice if you’re being held against your will” like this woman’s face from the now-infamous Peloton bike ad.
ICYMI: In the ad, a husband surprises his super-thin wife with a $2,245 stationary bike (in front of their daughter; how … sweet?) and she seems strangely happy about it, but let’s be honest, that’s probably the Stockholm syndrome.
This got us wondering if there’s any worse possible gift for your wife. Spoiler: No, there isn’t.
Here’s a list of terrible gift ideas that are somehow still better than an exercise bike:
A shirt for yourself that says “I’m with fatty.”
DNA tests for the kids.
A divorce attorney.
A threesome… with your wife’s hot friend.
Gift certificate for plastic surgery. Boob job or lipo. Totally her call.
A paper bag, cut to fit her head specifications.
Jewelry leftover from your previous wife.
A gift basket filled with soap, body wash, body spray, perfume, and clinical-strength deodorant.
Pole dancing classes.
3 different kinds of industrial-strength Spanx (to layer).
A subscription to Cosmo.
An entirely new wardrobe, but three sizes smaller than everything she currently owns.
Getting her tubes tied.
A Costco-size bottle of diet pills.
The book “How Not to be a Dummy for Dummies.”
Anything in a 7-11 bag.
A padlock for the fridge.
Cooking lessons… from your mother.
Hair removal cream and a coupon for 25% off electrolysis.
Weight Watchers membership.
A kegel coach.
A present you accidentally addressed to your mistress.
A bathroom scale.
Disclaimer: Do NOT actually get any of these for your wife. Not even as a joke.
Special thanks to the following MockMom contributors: Mandi Em, Anna Gracia, Amy Hunter, Amber Leventry, Crystal Lowery, Hannah Mayer, Joanna McClanahan, and Sam Wassel.