31 Less-Insulting Things to Get Your Wife Than an Exercise Bike

By MockMom Contributors

Nothing says “Blink twice if you’re being held against your will” like this woman’s face from the now-infamous Peloton bike ad.

ICYMI: In the ad, a husband surprises his super-thin wife with a $2,245 stationary bike (in front of their daughter; how … sweet?) and she seems strangely happy about it, but let’s be honest, that’s probably the Stockholm syndrome.

This got us wondering if there’s any worse possible gift for your wife. Spoiler: No, there isn’t.

Here’s a list of terrible gift ideas that are somehow still better than an exercise bike:

A shirt for yourself that says “I’m with fatty.”

DNA tests for the kids.

A divorce attorney.

A threesome… with your wife’s hot friend.

Gift certificate for plastic surgery. Boob job or lipo. Totally her call.

Blow-job lessons.

A paper bag, cut to fit her head specifications.

Nose-hair trimmer.

Jewelry leftover from your previous wife.

A gift basket filled with soap, body wash, body spray, perfume, and clinical-strength deodorant.

Pole dancing classes.

3 different kinds of industrial-strength Spanx (to layer).

A subscription to Cosmo.

An entirely new wardrobe, but three sizes smaller than everything she currently owns.

Getting her tubes tied.

A Costco-size bottle of diet pills.

The book “How Not to be a Dummy for Dummies.”

Anything in a 7-11 bag.

A padlock for the fridge.

Cooking lessons… from your mother.

A vacuum.

Hair removal cream and a coupon for 25% off electrolysis.

Weight Watchers membership.


A kegel coach.

CPAP machine.

A present you accidentally addressed to your mistress.

Dandruff shampoo.

Libido pharmaceuticals.

A bathroom scale.

Disclaimer: Do NOT actually get any of these for your wife. Not even as a joke.


Special thanks to the following MockMom contributors: Mandi Em, Anna Gracia, Amy Hunter, Amber Leventry, Crystal Lowery, Hannah Mayer, Joanna McClanahan, and Sam Wassel.