By MockMom Contributors

Nothing says “Blink twice if you’re being held against your will” like this woman’s face from the now-infamous Peloton bike ad.

ICYMI: In the ad, a husband surprises his super-thin wife with a $2,245 stationary bike (in front of their daughter; how … sweet?) and she seems strangely happy about it, but let’s be honest, that’s probably the Stockholm syndrome.

This got us wondering if there’s any worse possible gift for your wife. Spoiler: No, there isn’t.

Here’s a list of terrible gift ideas that are somehow still better than an exercise bike:

A shirt for yourself that says “I’m with fatty.”

DNA tests for the kids.

A divorce attorney.

A threesome… with your wife’s hot friend.

Gift certificate for plastic surgery. Boob job or lipo. Totally her call.

Blow-job lessons.

A paper bag, cut to fit her head specifications.

Nose-hair trimmer.

Jewelry leftover from your previous wife.

A gift basket filled with soap, body wash, body spray, perfume, and clinical-strength deodorant.

Pole dancing classes.

3 different kinds of industrial-strength Spanx (to layer).

A subscription to Cosmo.

An entirely new wardrobe, but three sizes smaller than everything she currently owns.

Getting her tubes tied.

A Costco-size bottle of diet pills.

The book “How Not to be a Dummy for Dummies.”

Anything in a 7-11 bag.

A padlock for the fridge.

Cooking lessons… from your mother.

A vacuum.

Hair removal cream and a coupon for 25% off electrolysis.

Weight Watchers membership.

Poo-Pourri.

A kegel coach.

CPAP machine.

A present you accidentally addressed to your mistress.

Dandruff shampoo.

Libido pharmaceuticals.

A bathroom scale.

Disclaimer: Do NOT actually get any of these for your wife. Not even as a joke.

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Special thanks to the following MockMom contributors: Mandi Em, Anna Gracia, Amy Hunter, Amber Leventry, Crystal Lowery, Hannah Mayer, Joanna McClanahan, and Sam Wassel.