A Complete List of Items My Husband Asked Me to Help Him Find and Their Entirely Unsurprising Locations

By Shannon Curtin

1) The Ketchup

Found in the fridge, on the shelf in front of his face. I say nothing. I wait for his eyes to catch up with his mouth.

Time to find: Zero seconds.

2) His Phone

Found in the place I told him to look–the crevice between the couch cushions. I came to this remarkable conclusion based on my powers of observation. I observed him napping on the couch after work.

Time to find: 10 seconds.

3) Some Tool He Kept Referring To By Name As If That Was In Any Way Helpful

Saying “socket wrench” slower the second time doesn’t magically make me envision this contraption. I do not have space in my brain or the willingness in my heart to learn this shit. I’m busy keeping track of every animated character’s name, ever-changing shoe sizes, vegetable preferences, tantrum warning signs, and dental appointments. I don’t need another thing. Did you check the garage?

Time to find: 10 minutes of arguing

4) His Shoes

In the words of my mother and every mother everywhere from the beginning of time: “I don’t know, I haven’t worn them.” (Also, they’re in front of the couch.)

Time to find: -.5 seconds because I unfortunately know the location of everything in this house as some sort of stupid mom-brain software update I don’t remember authorizing.

5) The Measuring Tape He Left On The Kitchen Counter In A Precise Spot A Month Ago

This is not Endgame. You cannot claim, “I put it right here!” and expect to be able to go back in time to reclaim it. I moved it to the drawer directly below the counter after I got tired of looking at it.

Found in: 5 seconds.

6) That Pen He “Just Had”

My God. I have a life. Take two seconds and look around. Could it be this one?

Found in: .25 seconds with my very special looking eyes.

7) His Fourth Grade Backpack

Check the room of requirement—i.e. the attic–in the pile of crap we should really get rid of but won’t.

Found in: the amount of time it takes him to actually listen to me and look in the attic—6 months.

8) That Shirt with the Holes That I Threw Out Two Years Ago

Hmm. I’ll definitely help you look for that. Are you sure you didn’t throw it out? I don’t remember seeing it lately.

Found in: 404 System Error.


About the Author

Shannon J Curtin is the author of two poetry collections and the mother of two delicious children. She holds an MBA, competitive shooting records, and her liquor. She would probably like you. Find her at @shannonmazur on instagram, @ShannonJCurtin on Twitter, or