By Julie Watts of Mummy Spits the Dummy

In a shocking set of revelations this week, authorities have been made aware of hundreds, if not thousands, of incidents and near-misses involving food poisoning of toddlers and preschoolers across the nation.

Whistleblowers have revealed that inconsistent meal preparation in the home has been the primary cause for concern. Offenses range from careless oversights, such as cutting sandwiches into squares instead of triangles, to what can only be described as malicious attempts to harm children by misrepresenting and disguising food products. Such toxic substances as carrot, broccoli, onion, and even mushroom have all been found in the Spaghetti Bolognese of multiple establishments.

Parents are suspected of sharing noxious ‘vege-smuggling’ recipes online and even in broad daylight at playgroups, with many openly confessing their plans to trick their children into eating foods they don’t wish to consume.

“It makes me sick to think about it,” says Baby L., a 2-year-old victim who reported her mother to food safety authorities recently. “I mean, I’ve been eating here for over a year, and it wasn’t until the food processor went on the blink last week and I saw Mum grating all those veggies by hand that I realized she’s been hiding them in my meat patties all along.”

Her brother, who asked only to be identified as Mr. 4, was also horrified to be given a plate at dinnertime on which several foods were too close to one another. “It’s really not adequate,” he muttered, gagging slightly at the memory. “The carrots — they were actually touching the mashed potatoes in places. And the gravy. I asked for gravy on my meat, not beside my meat, not on my meat, in that order, and Mum couldn’t even make the effort to correct her aim fast enough not to get gravy on my peas. It’s almost as if all she wants to do is slop our dinner onto a plate as fast as possible so she can have a glass of wine already.”

Meanwhile, in a neighboring home, tensions are high after a father has been accused of making an attempt on his toddler son’s life through incorrect melamine crockery allocation. “Sure, I ate off the red plate last week. In fact, I refused to eat off any other plate. But that was last week, when the moon was waxing gibbous. He should know by now that when the moon is in its first quarter, and it’s a day that contains the letter ‘U’, I can only use the blue plate. He’s trying to kill me!” sobbed the distraught boy. “Luckily, I tossed the whole lot on the floor before he could force any down my throat.”

These incidents are sadly far from isolated, and an international support group for children affected by parental poisoning called “Gag With Me” has been established. Spokestoddler for the group, Miss M., a 3-year-old who narrowly escaped death after having a sip of orange juice with ‘bits in it’ is angry, to say the least.

“These people are supposed to love us, and yet they show blatant disregard for our health and safety by repeatedly dishing up food of the wrong color and texture, served in the wrong vessels, and cut to the wrong shape,” she snapped while delicately nibbling biscuits out of the cat’s bowl. “Is it our fault that the correct color, vessel, and shape varies so erratically? Of course not! We’re toddlers. And the last thing you want to do is mess up a toddler’s delicate gut health by cutting her sandwiches the way she liked them yesterday.”

It remains to be seen whether any prosecutions will be forthcoming for the parents in these cases, but Miss M. urges toddlers and preschoolers everywhere to remain vigilant of cup and plate colors, be especially cautious of minced meat and muffins which may disguise hidden vegetables, and always remember Gag With Me’s motto: “If in doubt, spit it out.”

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About the Author

Julie Watts is a caffeine-abusing, snort-laughing, housework-shirking mother of two who lives in sunny Queensland. She quit Facebook to remember the real world, and now blogs about her lackluster parenting ability (among other things) at Mummy Spits the Dummy. You can follow her antics on Twitter.