By Sara Springer of The Rebel Housewife Blog

My news feed is full of shared articles consisting of lists. Systematic procedures encouraging unsuspecting readers to be better; better at wife-ing, mother-ing, parent-ing, career-ing, exercise-ing, cook-ing–anything and everything.

Don’t get me wrong, I have found some valuable advice and thought provoking ideas among these posts. However, I have found that they are missing some useful points. Allow me to fill in the blanks on some common themes.

Things I learned in 10 Years of Marriage.

I recently learned my husband’s favorite color. How we went 15 years without that coming up, I am not sure. When our sweet son asked him:

“Dad, what’s your favorite color?”

I thought: “Holy sh- (crap) what is his favorite color?”

I must have just assumed that I knew based on all of his clothing and accessory choices over the years…

…I was wrong.

Marriage lesson 101: if you don’t ask all the obvious questions up front, in a decade and a half, you will have something left to talk about.

Things I learned After Having 5 Kids

Once you decide to procreate, you will get all kinds of words of wisdom from fellow ‘rents. What no one will ever tell you is that there is never an obvious outcome to your parenting tactics.

There will be moments where your children will tackle, bite and strangle a sibling because {insert any reason here}. Then, another day they will bring the puke bucket to said sibling when they are sick.

Basically, you will never be quite sure if you are raising a serial killer or the next Mother Theresa. Only time will tell.

Things No One Tells You About Pregnancy

Pregnancy is magical. That is the standard party line. However, forget everything you knew about your bladder and controlling it. You will spend several post-partum years carefully plotting ways to sneeze, cough, and/or laugh that will not require adult diapers.

Things No One Tells You About Having Kids

“Go with your gut.”

Parents just know. Except when it comes to meal preparation. No one tells you that your child will melt down because you did not cut their sandwich.

In normal situations, you learn from your mistakes. The obvious play for next time would be to cut the sandwich.

And now your child is having a nervous breakdown because he/she did not want a sliced sandwich. And you join in their mental collapse because you are on toddler meltdown 652 and it is only noon.

Everyone says go with your gut. And you should. Unless you are cutting a PB&J sandwich. Then, don’t.

Direct Sales Companies That Will Make You Rich and Fabulous

There are a select few individuals with the Midas touch who become zillionaires by selling run of the mill DS company products.
There are those who can sense the market and get in at the right time thereby growing in leaps and bounds…

…and then there’s me…the “brass” touch, if you will; jumping on the already flooded market bandwagon and essentially becoming the opposite of a zillionaire.

If only I could stop buying all their stuff.

Workout Routines That Will Change Your Life and Body.

I want to eat chips and lose inches. I want a six-pack from wine and I want my love handles to vanish a little more with every brownie I consume.

Looking for a workout routine that doesn’t feel like exercise?

I am no help on this topic.

Ways To Stop Yelling at Your Kids

I am not actually serious. Some call it yelling. I call it projecting.

Poe-tay-toe, poe-tah-toe.

Once I have politely requested my children’s attention a dozen times to no avail, I am no longer interested in soothing tones.

And there you have it. Another list to clog your news feed. Full of thought provoking life hacks to better oneself. You’re welcome, internet.

 

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About the Author

Story teller. Child wrangler. Mental health advocate and warrior. Staunch practitioner of sarcasm.

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