By Karen Gilmore
1. Casual Friday.
Now every day is casual Friday and putting on jeans (that used to be dressy casual but now have finger-paint on them) no longer gives me the frisson of pleasure it used to. Unfortunately, my family roundly rejected my idea of having tuxedo Tuesday and wetsuit Wednesday to mix things up.
2. The game of whodunnit trying to figure out who stole my lunch.
Now it’s always the same perps, so it’s less like a game of Clue and more like a game of hide and seek trying to find a spot in the back of the fridge where my husband and womb goblins won’t find the leftover pizza I’m hoarding.
3. Being able to buy a giant chocolate bar the size of my femur to snack on at the office without any guilt because it was to support the spawn of random coworkers’ hockey team/scout troop/bail fund.
Buying a family size Kit Kat bar that I will scarf in my Corolla on the way home from the grocery store so that my kids don’t find it is nowhere near as rewarding.
4. My cubicle.
I used to think it felt like a prison but now I realize that it was less confining than being stuck at home with my family. Before you bash me, my house is much smaller than Ellen’s and I don’t mistreat any of my employees, which in fairness may only be because I don’t actually have any.
5. The cafeteria.
I used to bitch about the food, but I can now concede it offered much more appealing options than the three course tasting menu I had at home today, which comprised of stale Triscuit crumbs, a bowl of raisin bran, and a spoonful of imitation peanut butter because I’d used up the last of the brie in the kids’ grilled cheese sandwiches, which they then had the nerve to tell me were “super yucky.”
6. Unlimited, high-quality office supplies in logical, easy to find places.
Why do all our pens have bite marks? Why are all my highlighters dried out and where are their caps? Why can I never find a freaking paperclip when I need one, forcing me to MacGyver one out of a twist-tie?
7. Having a boss that I like.
Now I feel like I have two little tyrant bosses. They never give any positive feedback, seemingly have crazy Napoleon complexes, and expect me to be at their beck and call 24/7, including holidays.
8. The washrooms.
I used to find it mortifying having to use a public washroom. Now I can appreciate that at least I didn’t have to clean it myself and no one ever busted through the door to inform me that their sister called them a butt face or ask me if we have any more raisin bran.
9. Being able to make a 10-point list.
Being around kids all day has apparently melted my brain to Cheez Whiz and given me the attention span of a gnat. If you’re disappointed, as I always tell my children: you get what you get, and you don’t get upset.
This post was originally published on YMC: Motherhood Unfiltered.
About the Author
Karen Gilmore is a humor writer whose work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Globe and Mail, and elsewhere. Her two children provide her with ample comic material.