By Renee Neimann
🎶They’re the creepers that you meet when you’re sending out a tweet, the creepers that you meet each day🎶
If you’re posting and scrolling on social media platforms, then chances are you have already come in contact with some of these angry men. If you’re lucky enough never to have been exposed to these guys, count your blessings, and let this serve as your field guide in the event you encounter one or more of these men in the wilds of the Interwebs:
1) The Fact Checker
Meet “The Fact Checker.” This guy has all of the information your female brain doesn’t have and never will unless you listen to him. Have you even read the clickbait that he’s momentarily consumed? No? Well, how dare you form an opinion on your own without his facts! Sit down, sweetie, because he has a Ph.D. in Mansplaining from Screw U and he feels compelled to educate.
2) The High-School Guy
He’s late for lacrosse practice, but his extracurriculars have to wait because you posted something he disagrees with, and that’s not how this kid plays ball. Making sure that you know you’re wrong is his homework tonight.
3) The “Simpler-Time” Traveler
Back in his day, people treated each other with RESPECT! He spends so much of his character count limit lamenting for a “simpler time” when there was prayer in school that he doesn’t have room to mention that this “simpler time” he speaks of had segregated water fountains and women could often be fired for being married or having a baby.
4) The Scientist
He doesn’t hold a medical degree, and it’s been years since he’s darkened the halls of a doctor’s office for preventative care, but he knows a fake pandemic when he sees one, and he’s got 20/20 vision. Wear a mask? Not this guy! He doesn’t have the time to put on a mask or worry about protecting others from a deadly virus because he’s too busy conducting his research by watching YouTube videos, and besides, he doesn’t know anyone who’s been sick.
5) The Bitcoin Bot
This guy wants to give a shoutout to another account that he claims earned him an enormous amount of money in a short period of time. He’s commenting on a picture you posted of your puppy, and you don’t know him at all or have any followers in common, but he must share this life-changing financial advice with you! Why don’t you trust him? He’s just a random guy who wants to make you wealthy! Don’t be so ungrateful!
6) The “Not-So-Okay, Boomers”
These Not-So-Okay, Boomers pulled themselves up by their middle-class suburban bootstraps and worked their way through college instead of going to Vietnam. If only you would work half as hard as they did back in the day, you too could own a home and have a reverse mortgage! Maybe if you put down your avocado toast, you might understand “what his comment actually meant.”
7) The Patriot
This guy is rambling across the country from sea to shining sea. He loves ‘Merica and the flag but not your post about peaceful protesting. He wants to see Law and Order return to the streets, and you’re not sure how to tell him that it’s on Cable at any time of the day or night. He fights for his country online in the comment section.
8) The No Post Creeper
Sure he has no posts and no followers but what he does have is a deep desire to tell you how beautiful you are. He wants to get to know you and treat you with the respect you deserve. Just kidding! He’s going to send an unsolicited dick pic.
9) The Gun Guy
The 2nd Amendment is first in this guy’s heart. He claims to be the proverbial “good guy with a gun,” or rather the good guy with 500 guns and a picture of himself posing with each one in his profile. He’d sooner let you pry his precious weapons from his cold dead hands than see your point of view. This son of a gun is a one-man militia and always on duty patrolling your post’s comment section.
10) The Conspiracy Theory Guy
Your posts always fall flat with him. He doesn’t believe the earth is round, but he does think that western medicine is trying to kill you. He’s convinced alien life forms run the government wearing human suits, and if you opened your eyes, you would see the TRUTH!
11) The Blessed Guy
This guy has a Bible quote in his bio and a four-letter word directed your way. WWJD? Apparently, the answer is to troll your comment section. Jesus taught him how to turn the other cheek but not how to turn off his phone.
12) The Whataboutism Guy
But what about all of the other guys out there that use other more infuriating and distracting tactics to take a post entirely off tangent? What about them? Why are you focusing on something you care about and not the infinite other things that matter to everyone else? He wants to know why you made a post on a singular topic and are not making a post about the issues he cares about. Sure, he has his own social media pages, but why aren’t you doing it? This keyboard warrior won’t be subjected to your post’s limited scope and speaking of subjects; what were you talking about again?
About the Author
Renee is a New Orleans native, living with her husband, two daughters, and a cat who killed their family hamster. She has completed several marathons on Netflix, has a Diet Coke fetish, and knows all of the words to the original DuckTales theme song but can’t remember her email password. If you want to know more, ask her mother-in-law or follow her on Instagram, @FakeAdultMom.