By Topher Paul

Ok, so maybe I’m using my deductive reasoning to put 2 and 2 together to make 69, but when the world is desperate for a way to fight off Coronavirus, it seems that chugging butthole is better than chugging bleach. This may also serve as a little social experiment in reading articles rather than just headlines. If you came here looking for actual science, you may be disappointed. If you came here looking for a justification to lick that azzz, you’ve come to the right spot.

According to The Atlantic, “COVID-19 is proving to be a disease of the immune system. This could, in theory, be controlled.” This is not breaking science news, but in conjunction with other sources, it provides a titillating possibility. According to Healthline, one of the benefits of having someone stick their tongue in your butt is an improved immune system. That’s right! Eating ass can literally save a life.

For those of you saying that it’s a false equivalency to say that spelunking the caves of Chocolateville can do more than create an assgasm, well, you’re probably right. But also, what’s your great idea?! Wear a mask for the rest of your life? Have fun with that. Go get your medical degree, nerd.

For everyone else, from those yearning to taste a starfish for the first time, as well as seasoned pros, go get your slurp on.

Editor’s Note:

Despite the incredible correlation of two unrelated articles, there is NO actual science supporting this author’s claim. Actually, you’re probably more likely to contract COVID-19 by participating in activities of the anus than protect against it.

About the Author

Topher Paul is a father of three, punk and rap enthusiast, and (cracks knuckles) beer league hockey champion. He is a high school English teacher, and although he has zero accolades, he is widely considered the “cool teacher” by kids who may be more mature. He enjoys making people laugh, but is a social media failure who you can find on Twitter @topherpaul11.