As a collective, we humans are stressed TF out these days. Economic instability, fears about the virus, and civil unrest have made the energy stank as fuck. You know what’s great for relieving stress? A little trip round to orgasm-town!
That being said, there are more than a few fucking reasons that make it so that sex is just another fucking chore that you probably won’t get around to today. It’s falling somewhere in between doing that massive pile of laundry and trying your best to develop as a person.
Not this year, fam.
There are myriad reasons why you probably aren’t getting your rocks off tonight or anytime soon. Maybe it’s kids, maybe it’s that you’re sick and tired of looking at your partner after being in quarantine for months. Maybe it’s because you’re single and too exhausted from reading the news to reach for your vibrator.
Whatever the reason, have a nice rest tonight because it’s the only action your bed is gonna see tonight.
10 Tweets From People Who Are Definitely NOT Getting Lucky Tonight
1. Please don’t touch me, the screams are still echoing in my brain.
My four year old losing his shit because I won’t put a bandaid on his eyeball is all the birth control I need
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) June 11, 2020
2. It’s looking like a multi-phase process that isn’t seeking any feedback or complaints at this time.
My wife won’t tell me what her reopening plan is.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 11, 2020
3. When one door closes, just give up man!
My husband saw me shaving my legs and now he thinks he’s getting lucky tonight.
I don’t know how to break it to him that I just like how smooth legs feel against the sheets.
— Mom.Wine.Repeat (@MomWineRepeat) January 14, 2020
4. Turn him down, but make it jaunty.
Kitchen square dance here we go
Eye roll your partner do-si-do
Forward and back
Step left then right
Get outa my way
no sex tonight
— Kerry on Wayward Son (@EmissaryKerry) April 20, 2020
5. She had me in that first half, not gonna lie.
I had chipotle for lunch so of course my stomach hurts so no sex tonight. Haha like it was even an option
— Quarantine🕊Runaway™ (@tricyclerunaway) February 14, 2019
6. First of all, how dare you?!
Marriage Tip: Don't knock over a basket of folded laundry during sex; it really kills the mood.
— The Dad (@thedad) January 29, 2016
7. It’s bare minimum contributing to the household, at best.
Wife: dinner smells good.
Me: isn’t it sexy when I cook?
Me: NO ONE WAS ASKING YOU!
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) June 11, 2020
8. Looking like family hour is off the table then.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) December 27, 2019
9. If this doesn’t make you twitch downstairs, then nothing will.
The Cialis bathtub commercial, only it’s me on the sofa with a mixing bowl full of cold lasagna
— Bart (@bartandsoul) June 11, 2020
10. Looks like another restful night, FML.
Everyone’s talking about all these babies being born in December and I’m just over here beating the shit out of my Roomba for running over my vibrator’s charger cord.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) May 28, 2020
Nighty-night and better luck next time, champ!
So tonight was a bust (RIP), that doesn’t mean that there aren’t brighter tomorrows in store for your undercarriage. Just keep your chin up, your vibes high (LOL), and pray to Cthulhu or whatever other Gods you have, that Covid will take a hard right into Fuckoffsvile so you can get the babysitter back, take yourselves out for a two-can-dine special and have a wee flop-around on the couch some Saturday in the near-future. Fingers crossed, pal!