By Topher Paul
Hey folks, have we got another BOMBSHELL for you! A couple of months ago, after exposing the toilet paper conspiracy, undercover journalist, Richard Wetphart made his way over to Washington D.C. to see what those pesky Democrats were up to. Once he arrived, he pulled a thread that would impress the hell out of Weezer, and ultimately prove to be the downfall of the entire party.
In what can only be described as the single largest conspiracy since Obamagate (thanks..uhh..Obama), Wetphart found definitive evidence that this so-called “Global Pandemic” is nothing more than a ruse to take down Herr Trump concocted by a couple of meddling kids.
The following is a transcript of the memo:
Date: September 10th, 2019
To: Democrats ONLY
Subject: Super Secret Trump Takedown Plan
My team and I have been diligently working on a plan to disrupt next November’s election. As you all know, Donald Trump has been an incredible president who has enacted plan after plan to improve this country, or as a great leader once said “Make America Great Again” (genius slogan bt-dubs). Despite his spectacular leadership, we have to win this next election if we want any hope of turning the whole world gay and Muslim, and there is no way we can do so at the polls without a little help.
Operation Wango Tango will officially start tomorrow. The republicans will be so busy memorializing 9-11 they won’t notice that a good portion of dems will be up to something dubious. The premise of the plan is to convince the public that there is a global pandemic in order to disrupt the polls next November, as well as to conceal the tremendous flaws in all of our potential candidates (I mean seriously, who picked these chuckleheads?).
The pandemic will be caused by “Coronavirus” as republicans are scared of anything coming out of Mexico, and this will most certainly keep many of them at home rather than voting. The propaganda will be fueled mostly by doctors. Because there are no known conservative doctors, there will be nobody to refute this obviously made up issue. We will also need to get morticians on board to alter the cause of death on a pre-determined number of the deceased. As 99% of licensed morticians are registered republicans, we will need to need to compensate them either financially, or by expunging their record of any necrophilia related charges.
Sure there will be collateral damage, but this is something the republicans have been able to easily overlook for years, and it always turns out well for them, right? Schools will most likely shut down some time around March, but it’s not like those kids were going to learn anything in the last few months anyway, amiright? Also, small business will probably need to close, some permanently, but big business will suffer financially as well (hey, that’s a win!).
The ultimate goal is to keep republicans from going to the polls. We considered trying to pin this all on Trump to make people dissatisfied with his leadership, but it is unlikely that he will make bad decisions in his response to this ploy. He’ll probably make all the right decisions, which ultimately would bolster public opinion of him and carry him right into a 2nd term. We can’t rely on that, so we must scare his potential voters from even making into to the voting booth.
So remember, loose lips sink ships; do NOT let them know that this whole thing is fake. The only thing you can say is the name of the operation (Wango Tango), they’ll never guess we named something after a Ted Nugent song.
With the release of this memo, I anticipate doctors and scientists will all start fessing up and life will return to normal so we can all hangout at Walmart without being forced to wear masks and use hand sanitizer.
About the Author
Topher Paul is not now, nor has he ever been a mom. However, he does empathize with the struggles of being a mom without trying to take away their empowerment…my God, it’s SOOOO tough being a man while having to navigate the landscape of this PC world…ok forget the above. How about: He likes people to laugh with (not at) him. So, laugh. Please? You can find his lack of social media presence on Twitter @topherpaul11