By Lauren Salkin of Think Spin
There are many things to consider on your way toward achieving political domination, like who should be your scapegoat. Every dictator needs someone to blame for things like crime, pestilence, and misspelled tweets.
Choosing your scapegoat
In choosing your scapegoat, make sure they are from a minority group without a national platform or voice to defend themselves, preferably a voice with a strange accent, i.e. Mexican or Middle Eastern. The accent must elicit fear and hate as well as images of apocalyptic slaughter.
Branding your scapegoat
It is critical that you properly brand your scapegoat, vilifying them as beastly and terrifying in order to instill fear in the homogeneous population. The scarier the better. Think Frankenstein or Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Choosing a name for your scapegoat
Be sure to choose an appropriate name for your scapegoat that is dehumanizing and malevolent, i.e. “Immigrant Demon” or “Evil Border People.”
Never refer to your scapegoat by their real name or use words like he, she, boy or girl to describe them. The first rule of scapegoats is to dehumanize scapegoats. They must always be seen as evil interlopers or pestilent creatures that are invading our borders.
Dictator dos and don’ts
As you grow closer to achieving authoritarian rule, it is important to remain vigilant, ruthless and strong. Never show weakness or apologize for using foul or abrasive language or getting caught in a lie (remember lies are malleable truths). Never show empathy or compassion for anyone who doesn’t idolize you.
Ensure you possess at least one of the following personality traits to determine if you’re qualified to wield unlimited powers.
Dictator personality traits
- Narcissist, with a media platform like an actor, evangelist, or reality TV star with so-so ratings.
- You enjoy creating chaos and blurring the truth.
- Tell people what they want to hear (even if you don’t believe it).
- When you don’t fulfill a promise, you blame someone else, i.e. the coffee boy.
- Target the weak and torture them, like the scrawny pimple-faced smart kid in college you locked in a trash bin because he wouldn’t do your homework.
- Create a new superior race — spray tan orange — to stand out in a crowd like a neon sign.
- Be boastful, loud, and callous. Never apologize. Apologizing is a sign of weakness and a lack of intelligence. Only know-it-alls know they’re right all the time.
- Create a cult of like-minded zombie people who are gullible and wear T-shirts with offensive messages such as Honk if you grab ’em by the pussy!
- You hate science because it’s difficult to read, but love that it can be easily manipulated because it’s difficult to understand.
- Hold rallies every few weeks to show your strength and self-adulation. People love leaders who want to fuck themselves.
- Be a conspiracy theorist and make shit up as you go along because it’s impossible to fact-check anything you say.
If you have one or more of the above personality traits, you will likely be a perfect dictator (because all dictators are perfect).
Congratulations! You are well on your way to becoming the supreme leader of your country. Your face will be displayed in airports, sports arenas, and schools. There’s no better feeling than seeing a 6-foot-tall portrait of yourself wherever you go.
Perks of unchecked powers
As the supreme leader, you’ll be able to reap the country’s spoils. Autocrats have access to the country’s wealth and can use it as their own private bank account.
You can install family and friends in key government positions so they can also benefit from the perks of unchecked powers. Family and friends always come first, before country.
With unlimited authority, you can do whatever you please without fear of legal consequences to you or your family (who have earned a place in history by virtue of their progeny). They are guaranteed to succeed you in the dynastic order should you become ill or bored. And best of all, you can imprison or execute them if they ever become a threat or annoying.
Now, have some fun and throw those pestilent scapegoats in jail!
*A version of this post was first published on ExtraNewsfeed.
About the Author
Lauren lives in Connecticut with her husband, son and two mutts. Her essays have appeared in various newspapers as well as in The Huffington Post, ByLine Magazine, Front Porch Syndicate, MomBloggersClub.com, BlazingMinds.co.uk and InspireToThrive.com. Her noir short story “Priming Pamela” was published in Shroud Magazine. Lauren writes humor at her blog Think Spin. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, and Google +.