By Julie Vick and Alice Gomstyn
Has your child’s normal camp been cancelled? Then your camper will love these once-in-a-lifetime pandemic-themed camps!
Can’t Touch This Musical Camp: At Can’t Touch This Camp, children will learn the 1990 M.C. Hammer classic while being shown pictures of handrails, bathroom floors, and pediatrician’s office fish tanks. Please note: The camp theme notwithstanding, campers are discouraged from wearing parachute pants as they do not fit inside the requisite camp Hazmat uniform.
Culinary PantryVentures: In this exciting culinary odyssey, children will cook a variety of meals using just three random ingredients. What can you make with a can of tuna, a jar of novelty jam, and 20 packets of Taco Bell Hot Sauce? We’ll find out! Perfect for preparing for food shortages due to quarantine or the inevitable climate change apocalypse.
HandWashington Drama Camp: Budding musical theater fans will love the chance to rehearse and perform the new musical HandWashington–which is like Hamilton, but with less dueling and more hand washing. Campers won’t be able to stop singing catchy 20-second musical numbers like “I’m not going to miss my vaccine shot.”
Camp Solitaire: Does your child have trouble making friends? He can continue that streak at Camp Solitaire! The world-class social distancing program means his daily schedule will be packed with activities that he’ll complete entirely by himself: crossword puzzles, Sudoku, three-legged races where the third “leg” is a broomstick, and so much more!
Inward Bound: Participants will embark on exhilarating adventures without ever leaving their home! Bathtub rafting, bedroom wall rappelling, and screen time endurance challenges are just a few of the activities campers can enjoy while their “counselor” scrambles to answer emails and hit mute on Zoom work calls.
2020 Maker Camp: Plenty of crafts and memories are in store for future makers in this week-long camp. We’ll start out by sewing personalized face masks in our camp colors. Then we’ll move on to projects ranging from crafting bespoke toilet paper to mixing small-batch hand sanitizer. On the last day of camp, send your child with a plain t-shirt, which they will bedazzle with the fun phrases like: “That sneeze was just my allergies!”
Camp Don’t Touch Your Face: Every morning at Camp Don’t Touch Your Face, campers dip their fingers in cayenne pepper flakes to help them master avoiding hand-to-face contact throughout the camp day. Daily activities include crying, frequent eye washes, and more crying.
Li’l CDC Superheroes: At this special STEM camp, kids will work alongside scientists to develop a vaccine to COVID-19. The first camper to make the vaccine will receive a plastic keychain shaped like the virus and a framed copy of their parent-signed waiver releasing the camp from liability for violation of child labor laws.
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About the Authors
Julie Vick’s writing has appeared in New Yorker Daily Shouts, McSweeney’s, and Real Simple. You can read more of her work at julievick.com and follow her on Twitter @vickjulie.
Alice Gomstyn is a longtime journalist and sometime humorist whose writing has appeared in The Washington Post, McSweeney’s, and ABCNews.com . Learn more at alicegomstyn.com