By Tim Miller of The Faucet Blog
Are you sick of preparing dinner night after night under government stay-at-home orders? Are you willing to trade a little taste and nutrition to feed your family’s yap holes and put everyone to bed already? Well we’ve got just what you’ve been looking for!
During this worldwide pandemic, who has the time, money, or means to prepare wholesome, healthy meals every single night? We’re talking every. Single. Night.
If you’re out of ideas, you’re in luck!
Introducing the new cookbook for frazzled parents, Quick and Crappy. You’ll find all your favorite recipes, with a minimum of cost, and a maximum emphasis on just getting everyone fed quickly so you can have that glass of wine and go to bed.
You’ll find all the classics: Chili Mac, Sloppy Mess, Noodle Party, Creamy Cheesey, Meaty Casserole, Hamburger Ploppers, Hamdoggers, Hot Doggles, Cheesey Chicken, Ranchy Chicken, BBQ Sweet Chickers, PB & Yeah!, Ricey Beefy, Stir Crazy Stir Fry, Turkey Mess, Just Soup, Cracker Attacker, Tuna Toonie, and more! Of course you’ll also find plenty of microwavable platters that you can prepare in literally minutes. Throw in a piece of toast and some baby carrots on the side and, voila, dinner is served. No more expensive, time intensive, healthy meals that just end up in the wastebasket.
Your family won’t be too enthusiastic, but they won’t starve either. Each meal is, after all, mostly edible food. And it’s usually warm. They’ll manage to choke down a few spoonfuls that will keep their tummies from rumbling until morning, so they can’t complain too loudly, now can they? And usually there are….wait for it… leftovers! Lunch tomorrow? Done!
No more haggling over baby bites. To counteract potential complaining, we recommend serving sugary beverages like soda, sports energy drinks, or fruit punches that will help them gulp away the taste, or lack thereof, in their meal. If the complaining should become excessive, our cookbook comes with a list of Quick and Crappy desserts to bribe them with.
Though high in sodium, sugars, preservatives, processed foods, and fats, these meals are low in stress, headaches, ingredients, thought, effort, and, maybe our #1 feature: dishes! No more pots and pans for dad! Go ahead, put your feet up! Have a beer and watch that game on TV! Even if it is from 1993…
Dinner will no longer be a nightly obstacle or grudge match. If your kids don’t like it, that means you can put them to bed even earlier. Take it from the authors, the myriad benefits of using this no nonsense cookbook are too numerous to list. They just keep cropping up. Forget about risking your life at busy supermarkets for fresh produce. You can buy what you need in bulk, and cheaply, too. Dishes will no longer be a soul-sapping chore. We suggest paper plates and plastic forks. Worried about the environment? Use the time and money you’ve saved to plant a tree!
So quit washing those veggies and chopping whatever you’re chopping. Crumple up that grocery list. Order a copy today and relax. Spend more time together as a family. Or not! The choice is yours.
And now you will have the luxury, thanks to Quick and Crappy.
Publisher’s note: Some of the foods included in this book are not approved by the FDA. In fact, some of the foods might not be food. This book lacks any oversight from anyone with any real, actual knowledge of nutrition, basic science, or common sense for that matter. This book was made by two exhausted, run-down, burned-out parents at the end of their quarantine rope.
They don’t really care about your family’s well-being, they just want your money to be able to use DoorDash more often. The publisher’s of Quick and Crappy strongly encourage you not to buy this book at all, even as a gag gift. We only published it because, well, it’s a long story but basically boils down to not reporting a car accident so insurance rates will not be affected. If you have to buy this book and use it, we don’t recommend eating these meals every night. Maybe once every other month, on a Friday, some of the thirty-seven Mac N’ Cheese options might be reasonable. The third one with hot dogs isn’t too bad.
The publishers hereby are released from all liability stemming from purchase or use of Quick and Crappy. We are specifically not responsible for childhood obesity, chronic health problems (including dental), divorces, or children running away.
About the Author
Tim Miller is a writer and humorist living in San Marcos, CA. His writing has appeared in places like Across The Margin, Defenestration, The Piker Press, The Writing Disorder, and The Scarlet Leaf Review. To the dismay of plumbers everywhere, he blogs his leaky thoughts at https://thefaucetblog.com/. Find him on Twitter @faucetwriter. As a school teacher and father of three young daughters, he’s f*cking hysterical when he’s fully rested, which is never.