Bedtime – the hour that we spend all day counting down to. The curtain call to our kids’ shitty antics and incessant demands, so we can finally pour ourselves a drink and peruse Netflix for that perfect movie or show to serve as background noise while we scroll Facebook and fall asleep on the couch. Except bedtime is almost never the time we parents have chosen for bed. Oh, no. Kids are determined to not go gentle into that good night and to rage against the dying of the light.
While most just flip their kids the bird under their throw blanket when little Jimmy comes stomping down the stairs for another goddamned glass of water, funny parents on Twitter are tweeting what we’re all thinking.
Here’s the tenth circle of hell that is bedtime, according to Twitter parents:
Tonight at bedtime my"not tired"4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
— TwinningMom (@Twinning_Mom) February 5, 2017
I'm pretty sure putting kids to bed is the real Neverending story.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) September 20, 2016
I like when someone else puts my kid to bed because then their night is ruined instead of mine.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) April 14, 2017
Thank you, overnight diapers, for putting different pictures on the fronts. Nothing goes smoother at toddler bedtime than options.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) August 4, 2016
I tucked my kids in last night and said, "See you in the morning!" and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) March 9, 2016
https://twitter.com/House_Feminist/status/803796159139495936
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) February 11, 2015
Can't. 9-9:30pm is the time slot when my kids come downstairs 10 times each after bedtime.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 1, 2017
The tables will turn, daughter, and I'll spend my geriatric years living rent free in your house, refusing to go to bed. Watch.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) July 30, 2017
You think your kid will go to sleep earlier & easier because he didn't have a nap THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS DUMBASS WELCOME TO HELL
— keith (@tchrquotes) September 8, 2015
What you say: It's almost your bedtime.
What the child hears: Take out every toy you own. Eat a cupcake. Spill a giant box of crayons.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 23, 2016
Me-11am: Want some water?
7: No thanks.
Me-2pm: Water?
7: No thanks.
Me-5pm: Water?
7: No thanks.
Bedtime.
7: *drinks 9 gallons of water
Me:— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) August 3, 2015
Sat. night, watching the kids sweetly sleeping, tears in my eyes.
Because I know those holy terrors will be up at the crack of fucking dawn— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) May 7, 2017
"And then the kids frightened away the elves that made all the desserts in the land by getting out of bed at night"
~story time at my house
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) May 1, 2017
Nothing is creepier than thinking your kids are in bed, then opening your bedroom door to find one of them standing in the dark hallway.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) May 14, 2016
Me: it's time for bed, kids!
Husband: first one to race through this pillow fort obstacle course and gives me 50 jumping jacks wins.— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) February 7, 2017
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) March 8, 2017
The upside to putting two small kids to bed every night is that I never forget to take my birth control.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) December 7, 2016
You know what happens when you put Mentos into Diet Coke?
Same thing happens when Dads put kids to bed.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 12, 2017
Every night my son and I put on this play where I tuck him into bed and we both pretend that he'll stay there after I leave.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 10, 2016
Twitter parents know. Twitter parents understand. Twitter parents are also losing their effing minds one failed bedtime routine after another.