A controversial new law in Washington state is regulating male ejaculation. Their reasoning is that, since sperm has the potential to create humans, it’s only to be used for that purpose — to preserve the sanctity of life.
As one of the 27 female senators who voted for the bill, Barbara Stevens explains that any ejaculating not used for reproductive purposes is something she considers to be ungodly.
“I live my life as a good Christian and, although the Bible never explicitly mentions masturbation, I think we can all agree that God would consider it a sin,” said Stevens.
Under section 12.4 of House Bill 6969, unregulated ejaculating is a felony and therefore punishable by up to 99 years in prison. As part of this law, men would only be allowed to masturbate under supervision, inside authorized medical facilities. And resulting semen must be stored for the purposes of future conception.
The state will also have full access to men’s browser histories. There is a $500 fine for accessing pornographic websites, and a $1,000 fine if their history is deleted or an incognito browser is used.
Any men who would like a prescription for Viagra, Cialis, or any other erectile dysfunction medication must first prove how they intend to use their semen for life creation. (And insurance can refuse to cover it if they don’t agree for religious reasons.)
For any men who wish to get a vasectomy, they are available. But first, they must find a health care facility willing to perform the procedure, which in some cases is hundreds of miles away. Then there is a mandatory 48-hour waiting period for men to evaluate their decision.
Then, men must walk through a gauntlet of screaming protesters with signs like “Sperm is sacred” and “Masturbation is MURDER.” They will have posters of bloody semen shoved in their faces.
During the procedure, a wand is shoved up his urethra so he can see his sperm on a monitor. We want to ensure that every man understands the consequences of his decision before the procedure. Oh, and they cost hundreds of dollars and insurance won’t cover them (obviously).
“It’s not that we don’t trust men to make decisions about their own bodies,” said Stevens. “It’s just that we’re a Christian nation and we want to make sure our religion applies to every single body — literally.”
*In case it’s not obvious, this is satire. Regulate MEN’s bodies? That would be ridiculous.