By Kristine Laco of Mum Revised
A new study from the University of Copenhagen confirms what men have been saying about birth control for decades. Men have spent years feeling forced to take charge of birth control, and now a link to mental health issues has been found.
“My girlfriend always wants to have sex and says bareback is the only way she can experience an orgasm. I think it is irresponsible to go without protection, so I took birth control into my own hands,” says Ben Dover. “It has made me irritable, bloated, and now I find out that it could be depression. I desperately want to get off the Pill, but my girlfriend thinks it is all in my head and she insists I suck it up. I’m so confused; I feel like I could cry.”
We interviewed the girlfriend, Alma Best, who corroborated Mr. Dover’s story. “Look. I work hard, and I want to play hard. I don’t want latex standing in the way of my pleasure.” She continued, “With all of my sexual partners, I have used latex protection for a couple of weeks to ease them in and then I surprise them with bareback when they are good and ready. Trust me. Once they have the real thing, they all get a prescription for the Pill. It works every time.”
We did a survey of 100 women of child-rearing age and discovered that this truly is how most women feel. 71% of women claim to use some form of barrier protection for the first two weeks of a new relationship. Then, a whopping 98% of women claim they ask their partner to go on the Pill. Currently, 80% of all men are taking some measure of hormonal birth control in either pill or patch form.
The rise in depression among men is, however, cause for alarm. Men everywhere are protesting society’s insistence that they are in charge of birth control based on the recent survey. Big Pharma president Chelsea Menwhiner strikes back, saying, “This is so stereotypical of men. They want to believe the study that supports their case. Don’t worry, women, nothing will change because we are doing another study to support that men would have mood swings without the Pill anyway.”
“I can’t stand when my boyfriend complains about being bloated and tired. It seems every man I date starts out hot and horny then gets all sappy and flabby,” Ms. Best objected. “Get to the gym already and stop your bitching.”
Men’s overall insistence that the Pill makes them moody, gain weight, and feel tired could mean that men are not working out enough, as a general rule, Ms. Menwhiner confirmed.
Mr. Dover countered his girlfriend. “Why should I have to take a pill every day, even when I don’t want to have sex? It’s just not fair that we have to put chemicals into our body. I even heard that it can cause strokes. Is it all worth it when women can easily use a diaphragm?”
So far, sales of the birth control pill have not been hampered; in fact, the added press has increased demand. There has been a 30% rise in the number of prescriptions for antidepressants for men worldwide. If nothing else comes of it, this study helped men to take their mental health more seriously, and for that, we should all be thankful.
About the Author
Kristine Laco shares her stories at MumRevised.com with a splash of sarcasm and a pinch of bitch. She lives in the Toronto area and is a stay-at-home mother of two kids aged 14 and 12 and a fur-baby. Her middle finger is her favorite. You can find more from her on Facebook and Twitter.