By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
St. Joe, MI – A 24-year-old hipster thought he was giving his long-term girlfriend the coffee date of her dreams until things took a bitter turn.
“She drank my proposal without even looking at it,” said Gulliver Benning, who claims he went to great lengths meticulously planning the “perfect, Insta-ready moment” for his coffee-loving girlfriend: She would receive a custom order latte at a trendy, locally-owned coffee shop, served in a slightly misshapen ceramic mug, topped with foam art swirled to form the words “Marry Me.”
Benning said the idea had been brewing for weeks. He’d even arranged for his 16-year-old sister to lurk unobtrusively at a corner table in the coffee shop so she could capture the emotional moment on her iPhone and livestream it to Instagram.
His sister later informed us that she was “super pissed because the owner threatened to kick [her] out if [she] didn’t order something besides free water.”
“My dumbass brother better pay me back for that fucking macchiato,” she said. “I don’t even like coffee.”
Unfortunately, Benning said his girlfriend, Tallulah Mae, had pulled a long nursing shift the night prior to their date and was desperate for some caffeine.
“She just slurped the fucking thing down,” he said. “Told me she’d been up all night administering pre-surgical enemas to elderly patients. She was crashing and tired of looking at wrinkled, hairy butts. I get that. But, God, it took me forever to find a barista skilled enough to make that order. It’s not like your average Starbucks employee can properly execute an extra hot, nonfat vanilla chai soy latte, topped with foam that’s artfully crafted to spell out ‘Marry Me’ in Rae Dunn-inspired font.”
Benning said now he’s out of proposal ideas and can’t afford another “grand gesture.”
“I play spoons in a flatware band,” he told us, anxiously running one hand through the carefully spiked tuft of hair resting atop his high taper fade. “We’ve got a real cool, eclectic vibe. I see big things in our future, but we haven’t had our big break yet. You know how it is: Real artists are never appreciated in their time.
“As an aspiring musician, I don’t have a lot of money. I can’t afford to pay for another fancy gourmet coffee drink. I don’t know if I can even afford a McDonald’s coffee at this point. I guess I’ll just have to move on.”
We asked Benning what other proposal ideas he was considering “moving on” to, but apparently, we’d misunderstood his meaning.
“Nah, I mean like MOVE ON,” he clarified. “As in, find another girlfriend.”
As our reporters wished him the best in both his future love life and his music, he waved a slightly crumpled coffee shop napkin in our direction, the word “Spooners” scribbled across the top in black Sharpie.
“Here, take a flier,” he said. “We’ve got a gig coming up this weekend in my mom’s basement.
“And bring a friend,” he added, pulling on a slouchy maroon beanie as he stepped out into the sunny, 70-degree weather. “We’re gonna need a new groupie.”
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is an Army Wife and SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettlebelling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars