By An Anonymous Mock Mom

In response to educational changes occurring in the wake of the global pandemic, the world has issued honorary Doctorates in education to each parent with a child who is participating in the K12 system. Although many deem it an irresponsible decision, parents are generally thrilled with the newfound power their made up doctorate degrees bring.

While some of the parents chiming in never set foot on their child’s campus (or attended their scheduled parent conferences, or brought the napkins they signed up to bring for the class’ Friendship Day party), they now have renewed interest in education since, you know, they can see it now.

These parents argue that they worked hard for their doctorates, attending classes such as “Thoroughly Reading Conspiracy Theories on Facebook” and “Watching That One Viral Video on YouTube.” Their expertise in the subject varies, but all rely on “their gut” and “common sense,” which everyone knows is how we qualify teachers in this country.

School districts have issued plans that attempt to address inequities that come with distance learning, as well as find a balance between the various needs of their community. They acknowledge that their plans are not perfect, and are encouraging feedback from parents. However, in spite of Doctoral degrees issued in pre-Covid days, the new experts reject that district officials possess any brains at all. Official comments from new experts include, “you guys are stupid” and “OMG this is so dumb.” Some district officials report that they are considering returning their own Doctoral degrees from small places like Harvard or Yale in response to these new “Doctors” calling them “friggin morons.”

However, the new experts disagree drastically on what they feel would be the best approach. Some assert that “everyone knows” students should attend school every other day and do independent work at home on the alternate days. Others think school should be cancelled for the year, or that parents should be allowed to “do their own thing.”
“Education is no longer educational,” says one of the new doctoral candidates, who previously possessed only an 8th grade promotion certificate. “We should be giving kids paper packets to complete independently. It just makes sense.”

“Why don’t we just push school back to November, and work through the summer?” another new expert chimes in in response. The statement is met with nods of agreement from roughly one third of her fellow honorary degree holders; the remaining two thirds tell her she is stupid, but only in the comment section and certainly not to her face.
We attempted to reach those with actual degrees to contribute to this article, but they declined to comment. They assert that as the industry is now waterlogged with the opinions of the new experts, they no longer feel actual educated opinions are being heard. In response, they are plowing through, armed only with pre-pandemic Master’s degrees and one too many nightly glasses of Moscato.