On the heels of the CDC’s recent announcement that they are now recommending 5-day quarantines instead of the previous 10 for people who have tested positive for COVID-19, people are understandably confused and upset.
For many, this news signals that the government agency values capitalism over human lives (I mean…), as part of the reason for the new guidance stems from worry that the 10-day quarantines will only exacerbate already critical staffing shortages across America’s workforce.
And for many, it feels like the CDC has just given up.
It’s like they’ve told us how many times, but we still won’t listen. They’ve counted to 3, 3 and a 1/2, 3 and 3/4, but we still won’t stop hitting our brother, so they’re done. We can kill ourselves if we want, just do it in our rooms where they don’t have to listen to it anymore, they’re over it, what they really need is a stiff drink, 3 dozen sleeves of Oreos, and a girls’ weekend in Vegas.
Obviously, Twitter had a field day with the announcement, pumping out one funny “CDC now says…” tweet after another with no end to the hilarity in sight.
So here, for your viewing pleasure, are the funniest “CDC says” tweets so far. Sit back, relax, and take a break from crying in the corner about your impending demise to have a cackle on the good people of Twitter.
The CDC now says you don’t have to cook dinner every night for your family.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 30, 2021
The CDC now says a venti iced coffee and two ibuprofen is a balanced breakfast.
— Shailin Thomas (@shailinthomas) December 28, 2021
The CDC says “6 inches” is the average .
— hardpassmama (@KarenGiannina6) December 30, 2021
The CDC now says that’s not a me problem, that’s a you problem.
— snarkandlemons (@snarkandlemons) December 29, 2021
cdc says it must’ve been love but its over now
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) December 29, 2021
The CDC now says “Live Laugh Love” in farmhouse decor
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) December 29, 2021
the cdc recommends that we only walk 500 miles and not 500 more
— van gothula (@surrealvehicle) December 29, 2021
cdc says go ahead and get bangs
— Ygrene™ (@Ygrene) December 28, 2021
the CDC just announced you can fill a theme park with dinosaurs again if you really learned your lesson last time
— silent nate, holy nate (@MNateShyamalan) December 28, 2021
the CDC says a ten day quarantine is just like, your opinion, man
— girl on the hill (@Mom_Overboard) December 30, 2021
CDC shortens isolation requirements to: "Whatever your boss needs."
— chris hauselt (@movingsideways) December 27, 2021
CDC announced that they will communicate only via letter board moms from now on. pic.twitter.com/2U7TXxHuXG
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) December 30, 2021
CDC recommends splitting up your quarantine over your two 15min breaks
— Zak Toscani (@zak_toscani) December 27, 2021
The CDC wants to talk to you about your car's extended warranty.
— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) December 30, 2021
The CDC’s new recommendations allow patients to knuck even if they were not previously buck.
— Michael Harriot (@michaelharriot) December 30, 2021
CDC: You can sit on the bed in your outside clothes.
— Nyasha Junior (@NyashaJunior) December 29, 2021
CDC just said you only need to quarantine if you on a ventilator. But if ya ventilator got wheels and a battery pack you gotta take yo ass to work.
— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) December 28, 2021
the cdc is just like uhhhh yeah it's totally up to you, I'm honestly down for whatever
— Allison O'Conor (@allisonoconor) December 27, 2021
The CDC says that when you get knocked down, to get back up again, cuz you are never gonna be kept down
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) December 30, 2021
The CDC just announced you don’t actually have to wash your hands, just get the fingies a little wet
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) December 28, 2021
The CDC recommends all you ladies pop your pussy like this, shake your body, don't stop, don't miss
— CHRIS KLEMENS (@ChrisKlemens) December 30, 2021
BREAKING: CDC doubles five-second rule for dropped food
— Leta McCollough Seletzky, JD (@LaSeletzky) December 28, 2021
The CDC said “just the tip” is now an effective birth control strategy.
— Dr. Victoria Dooley (@DrDooleyMD) December 30, 2021
the CDC just announced that you can keep my old scarf from that very first week cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
— matt (@mattxiv) December 30, 2021
The CDC says you only have to look one way when you cross the street now
— Bryan Carr (@HurtsHouse) December 30, 2021
The CDC says just take a Flintstone vitamin and you’ll be fine. pic.twitter.com/0WWngZNNQL
— Serena (@itsfedex) December 30, 2021
CDC announced you can do mouth stuff if you really like them
— Meg Stalter (@megstalter) December 30, 2021
The CDC said, nothing, you idiots!
The CDC’s dead, he's locked in my basement (ha ha!)
— Cons (@CaptainCons) December 30, 2021
the CDC recommends to stay home if you’re sick but come over if you’re thicc
— ⚡️juicy jess⚡️ (@jess_peterson_) December 30, 2021
The CDC now says that the next variant of Covid will be called Pete Davidson and it’s going to fuck everybody.
— 4Livs (@4Livs) December 30, 2021
The CDC now recommends that you put your right leg in, you put your right leg out, you put your right leg in and you shake it all about.
— TheMotherOctopus (@MotherOctopusKJ) December 30, 2021
the CDC says it's not omicron unless it comes from the Omicrônne region of France, otherwise it's just sparkling covid
— mike cella (@mikeVcella) December 28, 2021
Ahhh, we are laughing. On the bus to hell maybe, but laughing nonetheless. Stay safe out there, folks, and don’t forget to smash that share button to spread some gallows humor with your friends!