Update 12/31/21: Our beloved Betty has moved on to the next gig, having passed away at her home this morning, report several news outlets.
Our tribute to Betty’s 99th birthday highlighting her funniest and raunchiest moments follows. Enjoy, and may Betty’s banter live on in the next world.
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Betty White, the world’s unofficial eighth wonder, turns 99 on Sunday, January 17th, and this is one of the few joys we get to celebrate, so we’ll take it.
In an exclusive quote for ET, Betty dished on how she plans to celebrate:
You probably didn’t ask, but I’ll tell you anyway,” White teased. “What am I doing for my birthday? Running a mile each morning has been curtailed by COVID, so I am working on getting The Pet Set re-released, and feeding the two ducks who come to visit me every day.
Which just proves she sticks to one of her tenets for living a long, happy life, which is to “First of all, keep busy.”
To celebrate Betty’s 99th here at Sammiches, we’re showcasing 99-ish of her funniest quotes and hilariously raunchy moments caught on camera.
1. On how she stays healthy
“I’m a health nut. My favorite food is hot dogs with French fries. And my exercise: I have a two-story house and a very bad memory, so I’m up and down those stairs.”
-2012 interview with The New York Times.
2. On her colleagues
“I am still to this day star struck. I look out at this audience and I see so many famous faces, but what really boggles my mind is that I actually know many of you. And I’ve worked with quite a few … maybe had a couple … and you know who you are.”
-2009 Screen Actors Guild Lifetime Achievement Award acceptance speech
3. On her cooking skills
“I’m not a big cook. I only go in the kitchen to feed my dog.”
-2014 column in Bon Appetit
4. On who she finds attractive
“I’ve always liked older men. They’re just more attractive to me. Of course, at my age there aren’t that many left!”
-2010 interview with Parade Magazine
5. Her thoughts on Houdini
“I not only knew Houdini, but we had a very lovely relationship … I really thought we had something going, and then the son of a gun disappeared.”
-2014 interview with Craig Ferguson
6. On how she keeps busy
“Vodka is kind of a hobby.”
-The Late Show with David Letterman
7. On her late husband
“I married my first husband because we wanted to sleep together. It lasted six months and we were in bed for six months.”
-AARP Magazine
8. Her thoughts on kids
“I love children, the only problem with children: they grow up to be people, and I just like animals better than people. It’s that simple.”
-Interview with Entertainment Tonight
9. On how to live a long, happy life
“Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, nine if you’re ugly.”
-The Late Show with David Letterman
10. On how she keeps up with friends
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need an Ouija board.”
-Opening monologue for Saturday Night Live
11. On her observations of George Takei and William Shatner
“We all know Shatner’s nuts. But George has actually tasted them.”
-The Roast of William Shatner
12. What Betty wants, Betty gets
“When Betty White says she wants a cup of coffee, you get her a fucking cup of coffee. You ab-crunching jackass.”
-Mixing up Ryan Reynolds with an assistant on funnyordie.com
13. On her thoughts on Facebook
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people’s vacations was considered a punishment.”
-SNL
14. On conserving batteries
“Do I need a calculator? I have one. But I took the batteries out to use in a crotch massager.”
-Census Taker vs. Old Lady SNL skit
15. Grumpy Betty
Player: “You’re playing like Betty White out there”
Betty: “That’s not what your girlfriend says.”
-Snickers Superbowl commercial
15. On feeling like a piece of meat
“It’s about time somebody wanted me for my voice…and not my body.”
“My eyes are up here.”
-Superbowl commercial The Voice
16. Betty’s a Gangster
“And don’t look behind your shoulder or you’ll meet the wonderful wizard of ASS.”
-SNL Scared Straight skit
17. On the frequent visitors to her home when asked by the Census Bureau
“There’s Fluffy, Princess, Tigger, and Socks.”
“These are people we’re talking about and not cats, right?”
“There’s really no way of knowing. Sometimes when I see their big eyes looking up from my lap, I think that’s definitely a homeless guy in a fur coat.”
18. That one time Betty got hot and heavy with Bradley Cooper
-The Californians skit on SNL
19-22. On letting a lesbian lez. And also balls.
“Just let her stay home and lez.
You can put that lesbian in any kind of a dress you want and you know what you’re going to get? A lesbian.
You’re barking up the wrong lesbian.
You know, if I could go back in time, I would lez it up 24 hours. Believe me, one thing I would not miss? Balls. Terrible little things.”
-Gingey SNL skit
23-25. MacGruber’s Grandma
“He used to fingerpaint on the walls with his poopies. We called him Poocasso.”
“He breastfed until he was 12 years old.”
“Did you know when he was born, they thought he was a girl? For 2 whole months! Because they couldn’t find his wee-wee. It’s called micro-penis.”
26. On being 90
“My husband not only wore a Trojan, he was one. You know what’s an accomplishment? Staying awake on the toilet. Because I’m 90.”
27. On a weird egg hunt in her old wedding dress
“I’m a bit chesty to begin with, but let’s try to find your boobs. It’s like an Easter egg hunt.”
-The Proposal
28. More on William Shatner
Kyle MacLachlan: “I felt William Shatner come over me.”
Betty: “Oh, I wish I could say the same.”
-The Late Late Show with James Corden
29. On beards
“You told me you’d shave. I like it, but my skin is always raw.”
-to James Corden on his stubble on The Late Late Show with James Corden
30. A legend calling a legend, a legend
When Lucille Ball was buzzed for running out of time on the game show Password, Betty objected:
“You don’t buzz a legend!”
-Password
31. On her love for animals
“I’m a little strange for any animal. Except possibly the two-legged kind.”
32. On wanting to remarry after being widowed
“Remarry? No. Fool around? Sure!”
32. All these bloopers from Hot in Cleveland
33-39. On her tips for how to live a long, happy life
“Exercise. Or don’t. What the hell do I care?”
“Never apologize. It shows weakness.”
“The best way to make a quick buck is a slip-and-fall lawsuit.”
“Avoid tweeting any photos of your private parts.”
“Schedule nightly appointments with Dr. Johnny Walker.”
“Take some wheat grass, soy paste, and carob, toss in the garbage and cook yourself a big-ass piece of pork.”
“Try not to die.”
40. On all the gigs she’s done
“I’m such a whore, I can’t say no.”
-Lopez Tonight
41. Betty’s hilarious house tour
-Betty’s Happy Hour
42. On why old ladies wear track suits
“In your 20’s, you dress for men. In your 40’s, you dress for success. In your 80’s, you dress for the bathroom.”
43. Betty hilariously fills in the blanks with Steve Harvey
Steve: “The Real Housewives should be called…”
Betty: “The Neighborhood Hookers.”
44. On her experience hosting SNL after Facebook fans started a petition
“Did you ever make a change in a minute and ten seconds? People are tearing your clothes off and – well, I’ve done that before, but -”
45. Betty White prank calls James Corden
46. Betty White on her diet
47. Slang words and fashion
48-50. Quotes from Hot in Cleveland
“If the guy’s a cutie, ya gotta tap that booth.”
“I thought I’d come over here and freshen up my drunk.”
“Honey Badger don’t give a shit.”
51-57. Golden Girls quotes
“I eat raw cookie dough. And occasionally, I run through the sprinklers and don’t wear a bathing cap. And at Christmas, I’ve been known to put away more than one eggnog.”
“You know what they say: You can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he’ll die!”
“Gee, with only three hours’ sleep I can be as bitchy as you.”
“He melts my Haagen-Dazs.”
“When I was a child, I used to get overexcited and pet the cat too hard.”
“I feel like crawling under the covers and eating Velveeta right out of the box!”
“Secret to success.”
“Can you believe that backstabbing slut?”
59. Will the real Rap God please sit down?
60. Who you calling a bitch?
Betty pays tribute to Queen Latifah with this hilarious dramatic reading of U.N.I.T.Y.
61. On turning 91
“Now that I’m 91, as opposed to 90, I’m much wiser, I’
62. On how to stay young
“My philosophy for staying young is, actually every day. Drink bubbly every birthday!”
63. On moms
“It’s not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”
64. On how she feels
“I’m a teenager trapped in an old body.”
65. On being a bad bitch
66. No ragrets
“I have no regrets at all. None. I consider myself to be the luckiest old broad on two feet.”
67. On being a senior
“I may be a senior, but so what? I’m still hot.”
68. On missed opportunities
“My answer to anything under the sun, like ‘What have you not done in the business that you’ve always wanted to do?’ is ‘Robert Redford’.”
69. On random animal facts
“I don’t know where I learned elephants like their tongues slapped. Whatever turns you on.”
70. On coexisting
71. On getting older
72. On getting freaky deaky
73. On having a wandering eye while married
“Just because you’re chained to the fence doesn’t mean you can’t bark at the cars.”
74. On if she had a dick
75. On how to get over a breakup
76. On what she likes to eat
77. On the status of her muffin
78. On social media
79. Frenemies
80. The real Fountain of Youth
