Betty White turns 99 via the New York Post 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses
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Betty White Turns 99 and We’re Celebrating With 99-ish of Her Funniest Quotes and Raunchy TV Moments

Betty White, the world’s unofficial eighth wonder, turns 99 on Sunday, January 17th, and this is one of the few joys we get to celebrate, so we’ll take it.

In an exclusive quote for ET, Betty dished on how she plans to celebrate:

You probably didn’t ask, but I’ll tell you anyway,” White teased. “What am I doing for my birthday? Running a mile each morning has been curtailed by COVID, so I am working on getting The Pet Set re-released, and feeding the two ducks who come to visit me every day.

Which just proves she sticks to one of her tenets for living a long, happy life, which is to “First of all, keep busy.”

To celebrate Betty’s 99th here at Sammiches, we’re showcasing 99-ish of her funniest quotes and hilariously raunchy moments caught on camera.

Betty White turns 99 via the New York Post 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses
Photo Credit: The New York Post

1. On how she stays healthy

“I’m a health nut. My favorite food is hot dogs with French fries. And my exercise: I have a two-story house and a very bad memory, so I’m up and down those stairs.”

-2012 interview with The New York Times.

2. On her colleagues

“I am still to this day star struck. I look out at this audience and I see so many famous faces, but what really boggles my mind is that I actually know many of you. And I’ve worked with quite a few … maybe had a couple … and you know who you are.”

-2009 Screen Actors Guild Lifetime Achievement Award acceptance speech

3. On her cooking skills

“I’m not a big cook. I only go in the kitchen to feed my dog.”

-2014 column in Bon Appetit

4. On who she finds attractive

“I’ve always liked older men. They’re just more attractive to me. Of course, at my age there aren’t that many left!”

-2010 interview with Parade Magazine

5. Her thoughts on Houdini

“I not only knew Houdini, but we had a very lovely relationship … I really thought we had something going, and then the son of a gun disappeared.”

-2014 interview with Craig Ferguson

6. On how she keeps busy

“Vodka is kind of a hobby.”

-The Late Show with David Letterman

7. On her late husband

“I married my first husband because we wanted to sleep together. It lasted six months and we were in bed for six months.”

-AARP Magazine

8. Her thoughts on kids

“I love children, the only problem with children: they grow up to be people, and I just like animals better than people. It’s that simple.”

-Interview with Entertainment Tonight

9. On how to live a long, happy life

“Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, nine if you’re ugly.”

-The Late Show with David Letterman

10. On how she keeps up with friends

“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need an Ouija board.”

-Opening monologue for Saturday Night Live

11. On her observations of George Takei and William Shatner

“We all know Shatner’s nuts. But George has actually tasted them.”

-The Roast of William Shatner

12. What Betty wants, Betty gets

“When Betty White says she wants a cup of coffee, you get her a fucking cup of coffee. You ab-crunching jackass.”

-Mixing up Ryan Reynolds with an assistant on funnyordie.com

13. On her thoughts on Facebook

“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people’s vacations was considered a punishment.”

-SNL

14. On conserving batteries

“Do I need a calculator? I have one. But I took the batteries out to use in a crotch massager.”

-Census Taker vs. Old Lady SNL skit

15. Grumpy Betty

Betty White on Snickers Superbowl commercial 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

Player: “You’re playing like Betty White out there”

Betty: “That’s not what your girlfriend says.”

-Snickers Superbowl commercial

15. On feeling like a piece of meat

Betty White on The Voice commercial 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

“It’s about time somebody wanted me for my voice…and not my body.”

“My eyes are up here.”

-Superbowl commercial The Voice

16. Betty’s a Gangster

Betty White on SNL Scared Straight skit 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

“And don’t look behind your shoulder or you’ll meet the wonderful wizard of ASS.”

-SNL Scared Straight skit

17. On the frequent visitors to her home when asked by the Census Bureau

Betty White the Census Taker vs an Old Lady SNL skit 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

“There’s Fluffy, Princess, Tigger, and Socks.”

“These are people we’re talking about and not cats, right?”

“There’s really no way of knowing. Sometimes when I see their big eyes looking up from my lap, I think that’s definitely a homeless guy in a fur coat.”

18. That one time Betty got hot and heavy with Bradley Cooper

Betty White kisses Bradley Cooper The Californians SNL skit 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

-The Californians skit on SNL

19-22. On letting a lesbian lez. And also balls.

Betty White on letting lesbians lez Gingey SNL skit 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

“Just let her stay home and lez.

You can put that lesbian in any kind of a dress you want and you know what you’re going to get? A lesbian.

You’re barking up the wrong lesbian.

You know, if I could go back in time, I would lez it up 24 hours. Believe me, one thing I would not miss? Balls. Terrible little things.”

-Gingey SNL skit

23-25. MacGruber’s Grandma

Betty White on SNL MacGruber's Grandma skit 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

“He used to fingerpaint on the walls with his poopies. We called him Poocasso.”

“He breastfed until he was 12 years old.”

“Did you know when he was born, they thought he was a girl? For 2 whole months! Because they couldn’t find his wee-wee. It’s called micro-penis.”

26. On being 90

“My husband not only wore a Trojan, he was one. You know what’s an accomplishment? Staying awake on the toilet. Because I’m 90.”

27. On a weird egg hunt in her old wedding dress

Betty White on The Proposal wedding dress scene 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

“I’m a bit chesty to begin with, but let’s try to find your boobs. It’s like an Easter egg hunt.”

-The Proposal

28. More on William Shatner

Kyle MacLachlan: “I felt William Shatner come over me.”

Betty: “Oh, I wish I could say the same.”

-The Late Late Show with James Corden

29. On beards

“You told me you’d shave. I like it, but my skin is always raw.”

-to James Corden on his stubble on The Late Late Show with James Corden

30. A legend calling a legend, a legend

When Lucille Ball was buzzed for running out of time on the game show Password, Betty objected:

“You don’t buzz a legend!”

-Password

31. On her love for animals

“I’m a little strange for any animal. Except possibly the two-legged kind.”

32. On wanting to remarry after being widowed

“Remarry? No. Fool around? Sure!”

32. All these bloopers from Hot in Cleveland

Betty White bloopers on Hot in Cleveland 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

33-39. On her tips for how to live a long, happy life

Betty White tips for how to live a long happy life on David Letterman 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

“Exercise. Or don’t. What the hell do I care?”

“Never apologize. It shows weakness.”

“The best way to make a quick buck is a slip-and-fall lawsuit.”

“Avoid tweeting any photos of your private parts.”

“Schedule nightly appointments with Dr. Johnny Walker.”

“Take some wheat grass, soy paste, and carob, toss in the garbage and cook yourself a big-ass piece of pork.”

“Try not to die.”

40. On all the gigs she’s done

“I’m such a whore, I can’t say no.”

-Lopez Tonight

41. Betty’s hilarious house tour

Betty White house tour 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

-Betty’s Happy Hour

42. On why old ladies wear track suits

“In your 20’s, you dress for men. In your 40’s, you dress for success. In your 80’s, you dress for the bathroom.”

43. Betty hilariously fills in the blanks with Steve Harvey

Betty White Steve Harvey Show 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

Steve: “The Real Housewives should be called…”

Betty: “The Neighborhood Hookers.”

44. On her experience hosting SNL after Facebook fans started a petition

“Did you ever make a change in a minute and ten seconds? People are tearing your clothes off and – well, I’ve done that before, but -”

45. Betty White prank calls James Corden

Betty White pranks James Corden 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

46. Betty White on her diet

Betty White Betty's Happy Hour Betty's Diet 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

47. Slang words and fashion

Betty White Betty's Happy Hour Fashion advice with Nicole Ricci 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

48-50. Quotes from Hot in Cleveland

“If the guy’s a cutie, ya gotta tap that booth.”

“I thought I’d come over here and freshen up my drunk.”

“Honey Badger don’t give a shit.”

51-57. Golden Girls quotes

“I eat raw cookie dough. And occasionally, I run through the sprinklers and don’t wear a bathing cap. And at Christmas, I’ve been known to put away more than one eggnog.”

“You know what they say: You can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he’ll die!”

“Gee, with only three hours’ sleep I can be as bitchy as you.”

“He melts my Haagen-Dazs.”

“When I was a child, I used to get overexcited and pet the cat too hard.”

“I feel like crawling under the covers and eating Velveeta right out of the box!”

“Secret to success.”

“Can you believe that backstabbing slut?”

59. Will the real Rap God please sit down?

Betty White I'm Still Hot music video 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

60. Who you calling a bitch?

Betty White who you calling a bitch dramatic reading of Queen Latifah's U.N.I.T.Y. 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

Betty pays tribute to Queen Latifah with this hilarious dramatic reading of U.N.I.T.Y.

61. On turning 91

“Now that I’m 91, as opposed to 90, I’m much wiser, I’m much more aware and I’m much sexier.”

62. On how to stay young

“My philosophy for staying young is, actually every day. Drink bubbly every birthday!”

63. On moms

“It’s not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”

64. On how she feels

“I’m a teenager trapped in an old body.”

65. On being a bad bitch

Betty White hiring Arthur Duncan as tap dancer 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

66. No ragrets

“I have no regrets at all. None. I consider myself to be the luckiest old broad on two feet.”

67. On being a senior

“I may be a senior, but so what? I’m still hot.”

68. On missed opportunities

“My answer to anything under the sun, like ‘What have you not done in the business that you’ve always wanted to do?’ is ‘Robert Redford’.”

69. On random animal facts

“I don’t know where I learned elephants like their tongues slapped. Whatever turns you on.”

70. On coexisting

“All creatures must learn to coexist. That’s why the brown bear and the field mouse can share their lives in harmony. Of course, they can’t mate or the mice would explode.”

71. On getting older

“My mother always used to say, “The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.”

72. On getting freaky deaky

“Sex without pain is like food without taste.”

73. On having a wandering eye while married

“Just because you’re chained to the fence doesn’t mean you can’t bark at the cars.”

74. On if she had a dick

Betty White if I had a dick this is where I'd tell you to suck it 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

“If I had a dick, this is where I’d tell you to suck it!”

75. On how to get over a breakup

“The best way to get over a man is to get under another one.”

76. On what she likes to eat

“Hot dogs and Red Vines and potato chips and French fries are my favorite foods.”

77. On the status of her muffin

“My muffin hasn’t had a cherry since 1939.”

78. On social media

“If you take this social media thing seriously, I assume you weren’t hugged enough as a child and you probably don’t get enough sex as an adult.”

79. Frenemies

Betty White You Again 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses
Cloris Leachman: “You look nice. Who dressed you, the Great Depression?”
Betty White: “You look lovely, Helen. I’m so sorry I couldn’t attend your funeral last year.”

80. The real Fountain of Youth

Betty White glass of wine a day extends your life 99 Best Betty White Quotes and TV Moments by Sammiches and Psych Meds and Mommy Cusses

“Doctors say that a glass of wine a day can extend your life. Cheers.”

81. On medicine dosage

“If you catch me talking to an empty chair… it’s time to up my meds!

82. On speaking her mind

“I always mean what I say. I may not always mean to say it out loud, but I always mean it.”

83. On turning 90

“I’m still just as horny as I’ve ever been.”

84. On being a dog mom

“No, I’m not. The first thing I do when I get home is kick my golden retriever. And then he says, “Why, Mommy?” and I say, “Don’t ask questions.”
-Friars Club roast of Betty White

85. On body observations

“You know what’s also a shame? When you sit down and your thighs become twice their size.”

86. On being a delicate little flower

“Butterflies are like women – we may look pretty and delicate, but baby, we can fly through a hurricane.”

87. On being a Cougar

“In my head I’m the ultimate Cougar. Animal lover that I am.”

88. On getting in the holiday spirit

“Just saw the first Christmas commercial of the season and it really got me in the spirit of murdering people.”

89. On growing a pair

“Why do people say grow some balls? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”

90. On being grateful of the fact that we managed to come up with this many quotes and videos for you to enjoy. Please just give us the headline, mmkay?

“I love Sammiches and Psych Meds. They try their best to make people laugh on the internet and if you don’t like it you can stfu, how bow dah?”
Okay, Betty White totally didn’t say this but we think she would.
Happy Birthday, Betty White!