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Family Completely Unprepared When Queen of England Actually Comes for Tea


After years of justifying their half-assed entertaining efforts by saying, “Whatever, this is fine. It’s not like the Queen of England is coming for tea,” the Patterson family was completely caught off guard when the Queen actually did arrive, unexpectedly.

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To be fair, Buckingham Palace gave the Pattersons a solid month’s notice of the Queen’s arrival, but the mailed announcement was the same size as a Bed Bath and Beyond coupon and was quickly recycled. After the last Bed Bath and Beyond coupon was brought into the house, Mrs. Patterson was heard angrily muttering, “20% off of something is still 100% of a thing we don’t need!” and everyone was sort of scared.

When Buckingham Palace called to confirm two days before the Queen’s arrival, Mr. Patterson was in the middle of a game of Candy Crush and declined the call. Then they tried the landline, but that phone is basically only there because of a Comcast triple-play bundle and no one answered.

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One hour prior to the Queen’s arrival, her security detail arrived at the Patterson home to find two adult Pattersons in pajamas and the three Patterson children throwing spatulas at each other while in various stages of undress and overall cleanliness. Shocked by the news of their impending visitor, the Patterson family kicked it into high gear.

Unfortunately, after two glasses of Pinot and four episodes of Tidying Up with Marie Kondo last week, Mrs. Patterson had gone on a decluttering spree around their home. This would have been a good thing if the teakettle and rarely-used fancy tea china had brought her any joy. Instead, Mrs. Patterson was frantically searching the cabinets for mugs that didn’t say “Hot Mess Express” or “Don’t Talk to Me Until This Mug is Empty.”

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Meanwhile, Mr. Patterson was arranging Thin Mints on a Christmas platter and had put Swiffer dusting pads on the crawling baby’s knees. The two older Patterson kids were “cleaning their rooms” when somehow Julia got a bloody nose and Jamie was heard harshly whispering, “You’re fine, you’re fine. Don’t tell Mom.”

Upon seeing the royal motorcade pull up, Mrs. Patterson realized she was still in pajamas and sprinted up the stairs to see if that formal bridesmaid dress from 2014 still fit, while Mr. Patterson stalled them at the front door.

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When leaving the Patterson house 45 minutes later, sticky and noticeably uncomfortable, the Queen commented that “they were nice.” Then no one in the Royal family spoke of the visit again. The Queen’s official scheduler is currently seeking other employment, and the Patterson kids can no longer check the mailbox.


About the Author

Becca Carnahan is a mom of two small humans, freelance writer, career coach, and storytelling enthusiast. Find her sharing stories about parenting and career development at With Love, Becca. You can also find her on FacebookInstagram, and Twitter @with_love_becca.