Remember being a kid and getting so excited for the grownup shit like driving?
I recall thinking that driving was about as adulty as a person could get. Driving meant freedom. Going where you pleased – fast – and without having to bump thighs with a stranger (hello, public transportation!).
Then you get older, and unless you’re one of these Fast and Furious types, you see that driving is about as mundane as it gets. Just another place to stifle your tears as adulthood slowly eats away at your sanity and will to live. And that’s if you’re alone. If you have your family in the car, you’re simply one high-pitched wail away from accidentally hitting the wrong pedal and slamming into a dumpster. Kidding, your car IS the dumpster. Adulthood is freedom, indeed.
Are you ever truly alone when you drive, though? Even when you have the car to yourself, chances are you’re surrounded by a whole host of other asshats, cramped in their own vehicles, also trying not to cry and doing dumb shit like forgetting to use their turn signals. I DON’T READ MINDS TOYOTA GREG, HELP A SIS OUT.
At least it’s a place to sit and listen to your music as loud as you want. Lord knows our kids won’t let us sit in peace at home.
Here’s what the funny parents of Twitter have to say about driving.
1. Sorcerers, the whole lot of them!
Never trust anyone who can parallel park without having to turn down the radio.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 7, 2020
2. We aren’t in an erotic novel, we don’t want your mysterious, thanks.
The Lord moves in mysterious ways but you don’t have to. Use your fucking turn signal.
— ERIC (@estone2323) January 16, 2020
3. This should come standard, to be honest.
I keep hearing about the dangers of distracted driving and yet car companies still don't offer parents a sound proof barrier like limos.
— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) May 5, 2016
4. It’s lit, y’all.
According to a recent study, people who get fewer than 6 hours sleep per night have the normal reaction time of an intoxicated person. So basically, I’m perpetually driving around about a half case and 3 Jello shots hammered.
— SammichesPsychMeds (@SamPsychMeds) April 5, 2018
5. If we’re driving it’s to the beat of MY drum.
Road trip rules
1) I control the radio while I'm driving
2) I control the radio while you're driving
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 21, 2016
6. Oh, don’t mind me, that was just the Nickelback swerve.
I don't text while driving but if a terrible song comes on, I will do whatever it takes to change it immediately.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) June 3, 2016
7. Peace, Love, and Light are not rules of the road; sorry, pal.
Me at home: Why isn't there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 21, 2019
8. This is a society, ok, you can’t be a dick and expect to go about unscathed.
I will let you merge in front of me, but if you don't wave, so help me, I will put a curse on your entire family.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) March 3, 2016
9. In the house or on the road – silence is terrifying.
If your kid's quiet while you're driving it's bc they're trying to touch their brain with crayons they've stuck up their nose.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) December 12, 2016
10. And God help us if they do.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) April 1, 2019
11. It’s ok, GPS, nobody listens to me either.
"Turn in 1 mile"
"Turn in 1/2 mile"
"Turn in 500 feet"
-the GPS when my husband is driving.
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) August 23, 2015
12. Team “duct tape your kids’ mouths shut on the road”
I could be eating a Big Mac, texting and changing lanes w/ my eyes closed and it still wouldn't be as dangerous as driving w/ kids who talk.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) May 16, 2016
13. I gotta meet it somewhere, honey, I am FULL of rage.
Rush hour traffic is the best place to meet my daily rage quota.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 8, 2019
14. When I’m driving his options are STFU or get out of the car
If you can still comment on their driving without getting into a fight, you haven’t been married very long.
— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) November 25, 2018
15. It’s dangerous and intoxicating, help!
Driving under the influence of two kids fighting in the backseat.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 7, 2015
Looks like your kids aren’t the only ones driving you crazy, amirite?
Don’t forget the rules of the road- hit that share button to drive your friends to LOL-town as well.