More often than not, the family vehicle is a disgusting trash vortex where Pinterest-perfect ideals about cleanliness go to die.
It’s all fun and games when you are young and full of hope, swearing on your life that you will never drive a minivan. Next thing you know, you’re researching affordable models with the highest safety ratings, complete with surround sound systems so you can listen to The Wiggles sing about fruit salad in style.
Gone are the days when you had a name for your car, vacuumed it frequently and had little bits of flair to signal your personality hanging from the rearview mirror. Now, your vehicle is covered in 2 lbs of goldfish crackers, with 2 first aid kits, a Costco-sized bucket of wipes, and the faint smell of McDonald’s fries and farts. If you’re really on the ball, there might even be an air freshener that hasn’t been changed since the Obama administration.
But it’s ok, fam! Having a nasty vehicle is just one of the hallmarks of parenting. Like stretch marks, or the overwhelming desire to run away.
Check Out What The Funny Parents of Twitter Have To Say About How Gross Family Vehicles Are!
1. They Stink
Currently at the
My mini-van smells like cat litter & we don't have a cat
point in my motherhood journey
— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) September 16, 2017
2. They are a collection of nastiness
I don't know much about how an engine works, but I do know that my car is currently being held together by dropped Cheerios, spilled juice box, and several of my broken dreams.
— Mama Needs a Nap by Lauri Walker (@MamaNeedsa_Nap) July 15, 2019
3. They are a full of trash. FULL OF IT!
Once I opened my minivan without shit falling out and I've been chasing that high ever since.
— Leslie Gaar, Writer (@lgaarwrites) July 1, 2019
4. “I’m sorry that this is my life now”
Apologizing to the car wash attendant for the dumpster shit show inside of my car is apparently something I do now that I’m a parent.
— Snarky Breeders (@snarkybreeders) September 5, 2018
5. They contain hidden (disgusting) treasures
I bought a new car. The nice salesman switched my car seats out for me. He dumped approx. 9,874 goldfish crackers onto the ground. Oops.
— Hashtag MomFail (@hashtagmomfail) September 26, 2017
6. They usher you into a world of dull
I became the proud owner of a minivan today, so if anyone would like my signature casserole recipe, let me know because I probably have one now.
— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) February 28, 2018
7. They are full of noise… and children
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You're not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I'm just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 9, 2019
8. Protect your emotions by never cleaning them
Mom Truth #49: You'll never feel more like a disgusting piece of human garbage than you feel when you clean out the family car.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) September 1, 2016
9. They bring up complicated feels for men
Guys passing each other on motorcycles: both wave to each other.
Guys passing each other in VW Beetles: both make the peace sign to each other.
Guys passing each other in minivans: both crying
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) June 6, 2019
10. They are nothing but garbage receptacles
11. They can bring out your competitive side
*sees neighbor also vacuuming van*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 15, 2018
12. They can be hard to maneuver
My kids' strongest memories of childhood will be of me parking, leaning out to check, then restarting the van to straighten it out.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) December 18, 2016
13. Did I mention they stink? Because they do.
All my friends are getting master's degrees and I'm over here just trying to figure out where that smell in our car is coming from.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) March 30, 2016
14. So. Many. Treasures.
You can tell a lot about a person from the inside of their car. From mine you can tell I have kids, I'm messy, & I collect neat animal bones
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) June 17, 2016
15. They should come equipped with some sort of anti-child system
How to keep your car clean when you have small kids:
Don’t let them in it. Ever.
— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) November 29, 2017
16. The kids treat them like a dumpster
This vehicle is just an expensive trash can.
— Mama Babbles… (@mama_babble) October 19, 2017
17. Consider yourself warned
The best parenting advice I can give you is never let your kids keep crayons in the car.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 19, 2018
18. This is a good point…
I keep hearing about the dangers of distracted driving and yet car companies still don't offer parents a sound proof barrier like limos.
— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) May 5, 2016
19. Your car is too gross. We need to put it down.
Unbeknownst to me, my 4 yo opened a container of slime in the back seat which has now melted into the seats and the floor. I brought it to be cleaned and they said it would be easier to total the car.
— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) August 11, 2018
So if you feel as though your vehicle is a hoarder house on wheels, you’re not alone!
Most of us with kids are driving around in nasty rolling containers full of God-knows-what. It’s one of the ties that binds us parents together. Solidarity!